i will learn this lesson one of these days, i swear.
i don’t know if you remember, but there was an essay that i got an extension on, that was due today. i left it, and left it, and had visitors, and worked, and relaxed, and walked the dog, and went to the gym, and left it. i started working on it a few days ago in earnest, and today i started writing it – and tonight, i stopped.
i could feel my brain turn to muck. all of these wonderful ideas that i’d been immersing myself in (all about how media shapes and is the medium of western culture) and the wonderful words i’d been reading just fled from my finger-tips. and i thought, once again, that i could force myself to do it. i could take a couple hours’ nap, get up, make some coffee, and finish it, as well as another paper, then crash and get up in time to both walk the dog and be ready for an 8 am job interview.
but that would mean burn-out for me, let’s be serious.
being easy on myself, being gentle with myself, is NOT EASY for me. i know, by not writing this paper, that nothing is essentially going to change for me. my g.p.a will not be affected, it’s just a matter of re-couping the lost credits. i am feeling stronger every day…but i want the strength to root deep within me, and burst up from the soil with a strong trunk and glossy leaves – and not be vulnerable to every little breeze or raindrop.
i’m feeling little trembles of guilt, and anger with myself. a while ago i mentioned that next semester would be my last, and i wonder if my constant self-sabotaging is so that i can stay where i’m comfortable, in my 10-year-long rut of being an undergraduate. i was just thinking today about how i will soon be moving into unknown territory – and i think i got subconsciously spooked.
i’m letting this go. i just felt my jaw tighten and my gut heave when i felt/wrote that.
i know that i am tough, and i believe in my ability to do things – i don’t think that this particular ‘struggle’ touches that, at all. i think, though, that the universe is gently telling me that while i recognize the lesson that needs to be learned, i am not prepared to learn it yet. i am almost there, but not quite.
how difficult that is for my ego to swallow!
i need to learn to truly REST, and not feel guilt, or the pressure to be ‘over and done with resting’. i need to learn how to be, and stay, organized. (my desk is currently covered with books, food wrappers, bowls, papers, cd covers, a bag of beef bones, a banana peel, pliers, a tarot card, a jar of honey and a salt lamp, justto give you an idea of my current disorganization.) i need, as i’ve been speaking about for a while, a healthful discipline.
i need to truly “clean up” before i can continue. otherwise i’m just going to keep running into the same wall.
the thought occurs to me that this space here has been mostly memes for a while, but i haven’t actually shown up.
i have been slowly catching up on my sleep. i walk my dog, and go to work on the weekends. i’ve been reading a lot of pema chodron, that sassy buddhist grandma i keep talking about.
currently, i’m reading start where you are. what gets me about her teaching is that it is challenging for me to deal with. SO MANY times i find myself nodding and laughing along with her insights, and then she’ll say something particularly tough for me and i have to sit with it. that’s kind of how i know i have to be reading this.
one of the concepts i had a hard time wrapping my mind around is the ‘no escape, no problem’ idea she talks about. the idea behind that, and much of her teaching, is that there is no ‘negative’ or ‘positive’ evaluations to events. if something uncomfortable happens, you’re supposed to stay with that discomfort – not try and pacify it, and not try and beat yourself up for having a “negative” response. you are just supposed to live with, and in, the energy of that emotion, without attaching a storyline to it.
YEEEAAAAARGH.
she also suggests that we get used to the idea that life and everything involved in life is always changing, always always, so stop expecting things to slow down, or get calm.
again, with the YEEEEEAAAAARGH.
it’s an interesting practice, though, truly. i haven’t had time to meditate in months (are you CRAZY?) so i tend to think deeply in transit – literally – and i’ve been getting myself accustomed to those ideas. having security in my life is a big thing for me, and to let go of it will be hard. is hard. for the past week, i have been a bit melancholy over the break-up, and thinking to myself that i wanted to ask him to go out with me again, except that i knew he would say no. and then i thought, (or, to be accurate, am in the process of thinking) about how different we are, and how we probably aren’t ‘right’ for each other, and how my wanting to be with him again is just because i am uncomfortable with being in this place.
this place being where i am still in love with someone who doesn’t love me in the same way back. he respects me, and loves me, and we are each other’s best friend, but for him, there is something missing. and that is not a judgment on ME (sometimes, i think it is) but it just…is.
so beyond buddhism and the ex-boy, there is strength. i have been feeling really stable lately. i have been drinking more water and cooking for myself, (a vast improvement)…and just taking it a day at a time.
18 comments
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June 1 2007 at 12:45 am
ruby
you sound healthy in this post, bee….like you’re in a good place right now even if everything isn’t exactly perfect (is it ever…for any of us?). that makes me happy.
June 1 2007 at 6:33 am
Susannah
one day at a time… absobloodylutely. sorry i haven’t been popping in as much, my angel – i’m in a blue space at the moment, but this will pass, as surely as my toe will heal and you will get your essay done and (gently and healthfully) let go of Field. thinking of you today xxo
June 1 2007 at 10:29 am
daisies
strength ~ i feel it in these words and perhaps i need to also read this book, you always steer me in the right places to find what i need, what we all need. beautiful you.
i was the same way with my papers in uni and i am the same way with my papers here at work only there is more at stake and i need to get more organized … only it always gets done and then i think maybe i am meant to work in this disorganized manner, maybe that is what stimulates my brain, maybe it is not as disorganized as i think, it is just me and the way i create? no answers, only more questions π
stay gentle with yourself, i love you ~ we really should talk soon π lol xoxox
June 1 2007 at 7:19 pm
Kristen
I thnk taking care of yourself and being able to recognize what you really need Bee, is much better than any paper you write, especially since this won’t affect your GPA. I think it’s very easy to fall back on our old routines of beating ourselves up – perhaps your easy go-to is university and your undergrad degree. Mine is body image.
Taking life day by day is the easiest advice and the hardest to follow – I’m trying myself ot remember these words and be gentle with myself. Much love my friend. xoxo
June 1 2007 at 9:50 pm
Colorsonmymind
Ah hem-Well clearly I need to read that book as well-because i am stuck on those points you mention myself.
Oh darling-I am so glad you are catching up on rest and cooking for yourself. And you know-fuck the paper-I love the analogy of the tree growing with a strong trunk and shiny leaves.
Keep that in mind-you are growing strong lovely one.
Hugs and love
June 2 2007 at 9:10 am
Karen Beth
I could have written this. I so closely identify with so much of what you wrote here. I think I need to get a copy of Start Where You Are asap! π
June 2 2007 at 10:11 am
Amber
Give yourself a break, because I hear you “getting it”. Even if you don’t lik eit, you are getting it. The idea that you MUST learn to sit with what is. You have to, if you ever want to change it– whatever it is. Or not. Sometimes we learn by sitting with “it”, that we can live with it! And in fact we should!
This ten year undergrad journey…Hey. Mine was seven. So. Yeah. All I can say is it is hard to do school, when you are honestly trying to heal your soul and wounds. Healing takes a lot our of a person. But you still did it! MOST people, who have NO healing to do even do it! Less than 20 percent of the population finishes university. So even though I sometimes use to beat myself up because I “should” be done with my gradschool by now, if I hadn’t taken so long…blah blah blah. But I say with it. It is what it is. And it was what I NEEDED. I am a healthier person now, will be a better grad student and therapist.
Same with you. And if you are scared of life without school…sit with it. There is always grad-school! π
π
June 2 2007 at 10:13 am
JanePoe (aka Deborah)
You are in the midst of learning … and integrating that learning will come when you are ready … yes, be gentle with yourself dear Bee ~ it’s your life and your timeline. xx, JP
June 2 2007 at 1:07 pm
Claire
Breathe, believe, and take it one day at a time honey.
I send a hug and love as usual,
Cxx
June 3 2007 at 3:04 am
ceanandjen
GOOD for you for knowing when to stop and when to let go…of the freakin’ paper that would not go away and of the boy.
You are strong and you can be just you doing what you need to do for YOU. This time is about you…rejuvenating you, loving you, building you up. Redundant use of the word “you” but clearly done on purpose.
I have told you this so many times, but it always bears repeating. You are an amazing woman. You are so intelligent it blows me away and your capacity to love despite all that you have been through is beautiful, just beautiful. You have SO MUCH to offer this world and I have no doubt that you will positively impact it, no matter what you decide to do next.
I understand about the need for security, because when I feel that mine is being compromised I go a bit crazy. It is vital for me. That being said, both you and I know that chances have to be taken in this life or we can’t move in a forward direction.
You are taking this time to find your voice and your strength and be present. Continue to do this. I guarentee that you will look in the mirror and smile at the woman staring back at you. You will be proud of her and you will give her all of the accolades that she deserves…she is you and you are…a force to be reckoned with.
Don’t worry about the clutter on your table honey. There is time for that, and it does not define you as a person; it just means you have not had a chance to clean it up! π
Sending you big love and hugs. You are on the right path..and you know it, which is what matters. xoxoxox
June 3 2007 at 3:46 pm
eileen (the dream)
Hello Bee-
Back after way too long – blogspot was being moody. Great to read your words today. Bring on the questions!
June 3 2007 at 9:32 pm
krista
man, bee. we are so much alike it’s almost scary.
June 3 2007 at 11:51 pm
DebR
I think it’s really hard to learn to rest and let go of guile and all those other things you mention. We live in a culture that tends to not value those skills or that mindset. I’m glad to hear you’re caring for yourself. {{{Bee}}}
June 5 2007 at 3:53 am
megg
I have two questions. 1. Which tarot card is on your desk? and 2. A bag of beef bones??
Be gentle with yourself! Clearly I also need to read this book but be gentle as you read it – we can’t have all of the answers all at once! Glad to read that you are taking care of yourself!! xoox
June 5 2007 at 8:01 am
bee
megg – it’s the 7 of swords…and the beef bones were gor my dog. they didn’t last long.
i’m trying to think of something to write, but it just ain’t happening.
June 5 2007 at 3:16 pm
Spikey Zora Jones
Hey Bee…hum, you are taking care of yourself, that is good. I so have to follow your lead. Mon Duei Bee, life is exhausting, but you know what they about life…don’t forget to enjoy it and I’m trying to keep that thought.
Sweetie, I know you can do anything you set out to do…you’re my hero. You can be the ripple in the water, you can be the rock that’s thrown. Hey it’s from a song but it gets me going.
Hey I wrote a song with you in mind…and Jessie too. Still cleaning them up…it’s amazing how three songs came from a thought. Ciao.
June 5 2007 at 4:56 pm
la vie en rose
just the words i needed today. i’ve been in a really funky place with my photography business (wanting it yet being scared and pushing it away) and instead of just being in the feelings i’ve been trying to push out of them…and i’ve been hard on myself for having these fearful feelings. i think it’s time to just be…
June 5 2007 at 7:27 pm
Bohemian mom
Baby steps will get you there. You are strong and are doing great. You are REAL and that’s what counts.
xo