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oh, i am so, so grateful right now.

thank you to everybody who showed me the love the past few days – i so appreciate your kind words. i don’t mean to exclude anyone, but i feel that i few specific shout-outs are definitely in order:

jessie, my sweet girl – if it wasn’t for our phone conversations and your gentle but truthful advice – would i have laughed even a little over the past few days? thank the goddess for you. i love you.

j – thank you for always checking in. and always listening. you are such a wonderful, wonderful friend, and i love that out of all the beings that could have been my best friend for almost half my life, you are the one that the universe picked.

john – can i ever say how much i appreciate the safe space you give me – to cry, and swear, and be the terrified little girl i can sometimes be? knowing that i am safe with you is immeasurably valuable.

so. the ‘resolution’. and your prayers – my god, they worked. i can’t get over it. before, whenever i thought of field and i breaking up – the thought paralyzed me with panic. what would i do without him? i loved him so much and he was such a big, important part of my life that i thought i would have a serious meltdown if he was suddenly cut out of it. but the past few days, when i was in limbo and the worst i thought could happen had – i was stronger than i thought i possibly could be.

granted, i cried so much i woke up with an eye infection a couple days running – my cat thinks i should be committed – and i thought over the hedge was tragic (especially the opening song – ‘family of me’? fucking HELL don’t listen to that when you’re feeling lonely) – but i got up. i drank coffee. i did homework. i went out with my friend. i made plans for next week. i got my hair cut, and bought a fabulous hoodie. i SURVIVED. and yeah, it was sad – but life is sad, sometimes.

…but i was always SCARED of us breaking up, so i guess a part of me always knew this day would come. (and yes, i did just get a bit of a tummy lurch there.)

we DID break up. today. well, we finished it today.

to be honest to him, and to our relationship – there were things (big things, in retrospect) that never sat right. i’m not going to go into great detail, because, well, the details are to remain between us, but let’s just say the ways that we prefer to communicate are vastly different. those small differences unnerved and frightened me sometimes…and i tried, in my way, to make it right. but i was trying…trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole.

i’m not saying that relationships should and will always be smooth sailing – hahahaha. but certain things should be completely sympatico.

ANYWAYS. after a couple days of me-freaking-out-because-he-had-disappeared, we finally communicated for the first time since monday, when he said, “i don’t think i can do this anymore”. there were a couple emails – mine – in the interim. but tonight – i asked him the question that was, ultimately, worrying me the most.
“after the awkwardness that may happen due to our breaking up ends, do you still want to be best friends with me?”
and he said, “the answer is most resoundingly yes.”

so, i’m relieved. he IS one of my soulmates, and i was so worried that part of me would be suddenly GONE.  but he won’t – he’s a keeper, (we made the promise), and what’s good is that it won’t be as stressful trying to make us fit together. we can just be the close friends we always WERE.

i’m not saying either that the mourning for the relationship we had is over – who knows, i’ve been on a fucking emotional rollercoaster lately. but the sense of relief i feel is an incredible balm. our relationship just became more honest – with the amount of time we’ve been able to spend together, we haven’t really been “together” in a while – but it’s funny, the way you sort of know something, but ignore it and delude yourself into thinking something else. or at least, i did.

he said one of the cutest things he’s ever said to me, today. (and he is a great one for saying cute things.) he said, “i really want you to know something. i really really love you and i always always will.” and, oh my goodness, field, the feeling’s so mutual.

i got your back. always.


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