getting ready for turnover

happy new year, everybody. let’s hope that everyone gets the health, healing and happiness that they deserve.

there’s a part of me that feels really sad that the only substantial thing i can focus on right now is my shaky relationship. banane gave me several serious talking-tos when i was in peterborough, with the gist of all of them being, “you have lots of stuff going on with you. concentrate on what you need to get done; what makes you happy. your life isn’t going to fall apart without him.” and you know what? it won’t. i’ve survived so much before, that i know i’ll be fine. it’ll hurt like a fucking sonuvabitch for a very long time, and i’ll lose one of the best friends i’ve ever had, but i’ll keep breathing. and then i’ll stop mourning. and then i’ll find new friends and my old life and i’ll just keep going…but it just won’t be the same.

most of my friends haven’t met him yet – this has been a point of contention with them for a long time. whenever i go home i always face the question, “where’s your man?” and then i tell them that his life’s really busy and he’s really stressed and it’ll happen when it’s meant to. but seriously, i think everybody in the world should have the opportunity of meeting this man. i’ve never met anybody so incredible in my entire life. and i know that i’m biased but…

he has boundless energy for his loved ones. he’s called on to do so much and he never wavers from his responsibilities. not once, even if it is harmful to him. he’s gently honest and accepting of everything i’ve ever had the courage to tell him, and he’s so funny – he gets a big kick out of doctor who and comic book superheroes, and it’s really touching to hear him get excited about the things he gets excited about. he’s so smart, and he’s such a good playwright – i’m in awe of the talent he tells me he just discovered a few years ago. he’s taken martial arts for a long time, and as someone who’s always felt clumsy and clunky, i’m stunned by his perpetual feline grace – he moves like a dancer, and his hands are so expressive. he’s just beautiful, and he’s taught me so much in such a relatively short time about what it means to be a good person, a good friend, a good lover.

i’m caught between two longings. or two realities, whichever. the first is to keep things in perspective – and look at what i have in my life, right now. all the beautiful things that i’m taking for granted right now because i’m just so very sad. i just want to kick my own ass for drinking that day…for keeping on filling up my glass and not really stopping to breathe, or check in with myself….but this would have happened anyway – at some point. and i think it needed to happen with him, because if i hadn’t been faced with the prospect of losing him, i never would have been able to stop drinking.

i’m extra sad today. new year’s is my third-favourite holiday, after my birthday and halloween. (oh, and let’s not remember what i did to screw those up this year). and i asked l. a LONG time ago to put aside new year’s for me – which he was going to, even after last week’s debacle, except that something important came up.

i have this superstition that if you don’t start out the new year’s together, you won’t end it together – and with this between us – i’m trying not to freak out, but imagine my little rocking chair of worry with an extra engine.

so i have no plans for new year’s. banane made me promise to call some friends here in montreal but i don’t want to. i mean, i WILL, but there’s a part of me that just wants to curl up and pretend this night isn’t happening…

today, i’m not making resolutions. i’m wishing. but i can’t tell you for what, otherwise i will jinx them.