“I Feel It All”
(by Feist)
I feel it all I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide the wings are wide
Wild card inside wild card inside
Oh I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one to hold the gun
I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn’t rest I didn’t stop
Did we fight or did we talk
Oh I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one to hold the gun
I love you more
I love you more
I don’t know what I knew before
But now I know I’m wanna win the war

No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor
Stranded in a fog of words
Loved him like a winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away
Fly away to what you want to make

I feel it all, I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside

Oh I’ll be the one to break my heart
I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll end it thought you started it

The truth lies
The truth lied
And lies divide
Lies divide

this is going to be such a different post than i’d originally intended to write, whatever that was.

i’m the type of person who, when she decides she’s going to do something, is immediately hit with an avalanche of things illustrating her commitment. today was the day that i was going to start “cleaning up” – and i guess i am, in ways that i wasn’t expecting.
{mental note to self = remember to EXACTLY word what you petition the universe for}.

i’m going to work backwards, actually. from what most recently happened to the farthest past.
my father emailed me.

for some reason, trying to think of an explanation for why this is such a big deal for people who may not know, made tears heat up behind my eyes. i was a complete and utter daddy’s girl when i was a young one, and when he left – it just broke my heart. i remember standing in the driveway, sobbing, as he backed his car out, with all the things i’d helped him pack tucked safely in his trunk. i was 7. what i had no idea about, of course, was how out-of-touch he was, and remains.
i’m trying to be fair in my depiction of him, although i know that many people completely despise him. the facts are that he turned me into a messenger during the most messy bits of their messy divorce; he was being unfaithful to my mother when he left her; he was an emotionally abusive control freak. believe me, i’m not saying that lightly.
this is a man who refuses to eat more than half a meal a day because he’s afraid he’ll gain weight. a few years ago, after he moved to costa rica, and banane and i were visiting, he offered us the advice that we better stop eating as much as we did and start exercising more, “because no man in his right mind would want a woman who’s over 30 with a body that looks that way.”
there is so much more. there’s the little girl inside of me who wants to love him, but who gets hurt – deeply – every time she stays open to it.
the last time we spoke (after this, i told him in no uncertain terms i needed a break) i was telling him about my hospitalization, and about my physiotherapy for my c.p.
he said he didn’t understand why i let things affect me so deeply, when he had always been able to brush things off…and he said he didn’t understand why i needed physio – my c.p. wasn’t that bad, after all. keep it in perspective!

for me, that was not what i needed to hear from him, at that moment. and after years of repeated hurt (on both ends) i chose to ask him for some space. my thought was that i didn’t want or need toxicity in my life. and he, unfortunately, was toxic to me in ways i can’t explain, even to myself.
but he is a control freak…he hates not being able to direct what’s happening, so even though the last time we wrote, i asked him to wait until i was ready, he sent me an email tonight. asking me to tell him, once again, what he did wrong, and wanting me to tell him if i was single or involved, if i had taken time off school…

even though that sounds so innocent, everything in me froze. i’ve really had to deal with some uncomfortable realizations about our relationship, and i guess i have to deal with it now…although i wish he had just respected the boundary i was so careful to put up. life is messy.

the second thing, that happened just before this, is that daisy had a panic attack. poor wee thing. (well, actually, now she’s a comfortable 72 pounds.) i took her collar off to put a little bell on it, and the second i took the collar off, (it was the first thing i put on her, at the s.p.c.a) she started to whine and jump for it, nipping at it when she could grab it, her eyes wide and rolling back in her head. i sat on the couch so i could put the bell on, and she lay across me, whimpering, and then when i put the collar back on, she needed a full body hug for about five minutes.
honestly, i absorb energy VERY easily, and twenty minutes later, i’m still reeling from the impact. she was terrified i was taking her back there.

i spent all day on facebook. holy crack, batman. i just signed up yesterday, and i think i already have to set ground-rules for myself. as in, “only twice a week, for x amount of hours.”

there is strange energy in the air lately. i always feel like such a new-agey hippie when i admit that i feel that, but there is. i’m not sure what it is, but there are some intense boats rocking. it’s raining again, and i always think that, as rain brings a new weather front, that it will bring another emotional front too. i wonder what it will be.