once again, thank you all for your support. i’m feeling much better now – more grounded, more aware. a weight has been lifted off my heart, and although i know myself well enough to say, “i’m all better! look ma, no hands!”, yesterday was rock bottom and i’m coming up again. i know i need balance…i’m slowly figuring out ways.i might be quiet here for a while, i might not. the reason is, i get slightly embarrassed when i look back at my posts for the last bit and see how much of a rollercoaster i’ve been on, and therefore put you through.
I’M FEELING GREAT i’m feeling like poo I’M FEELING ON TOP OF THE WORLD i want to crawl in a hole
i really appreciate the community i have and i don’t want to drain energy from anyone…i want to replenish myself so i can nourish you. i know there is much to be said for being a witness on this journey, but at this point in my journey i am considering the idea of letting real change take root, quietly, in my body. not disturbing it with constant poking:
*poke* have you grown yet?
ow! *rubs little root tummy* quit poking me!
*poke* have you grown yet?
*packs suitcase, puts on fedora* i’ve had enough of this shit. me and the missus, we’re taking off to mexico.
olivia at happy luau reminded me of julia cameron’s phrase of staying “emotionally sober”, and i have definitely been feasting on the blues lately. i can also say that my depression began around the time i stopped writing consistently. both are things i’m going to be working on in the next few days.
in spirit: a poem….
the dinner table, the tulip
by rhea tregebov
found here
So what do we do with this,
this world, this uncertain spring,
the tulips still holding, things green and cold.
Take the tulips, composed, driven to yellow or rose
from their chilly green, given to order,
unfolding. The colour they move towards
held for a day, or a week, contingent
on the weather, accident. Then paling or darkening
into other shades, then the quick
or slow decomposing. Coming to grief.
To being not tulips. Does rot
have its own order? I think not.
Theorists see things moving
to degeneration, some, and looking down,
I might be inclined to agree, skidding down
to an agreement since more than the weather
this spring is uncertain. Systems large
and small are flawed, disintegrating.
Think of anything: my respiratory system,
the world’s. Today I run along the cul-de-sac
in the swanky end of our neighbourhood.
As always, there are vans parked in the driveways.
Things are being taken care of, expensive systems
in need of maintenance. The rest of us
are short on money, time, love.
And you so careless, the roof needing repair,
plaster crumbling from the living-room ceiling,
faith battered, struck by dilemma. Yes you,
I’m talking to you – reader, lover –
pay attention to this poem! It’s a good thing
it is spring, my faith still holding,
in R. Tregebov, a body running along concrete,
however the lungs rasp. Spring inclines me
elsewhere, to lean towards other theories –
anti-chaos, the universal yearning
towards order. Setting the table just so.
The tulips in the right vase.
Yearning, yes, the scientist wanting
it to be the case that we are at home
in the universe, that life is inevitable,
the consequence of broad avenues of possibility,
not back lanes of improbability. Although,
agnostic, I might settle for back lanes.
I’ve loved their rough edges, seamy sides:
rusted garbage cans overturned, the
opportunity for scrounging, the
possibility of unexpected plenty.
A clump of fat white violets beside the garage
and beside them, blue ones, their pansy faces
attentive. Not an aberration but a plan.
Agnostic, I bless those looking
for a science of emergence, of complexity,
looking for a way to model complicated systems
like the dinner table, the tulip. And I
of science, but ours why is there
something rather than nothing.
19 comments
Comments feed for this article
March 29 2007 at 6:11 am
colorsonmymind
First darling these are my moms 2 favorite flowers-so visiting here today is like getting two gifts in one:)
Second I can’t tell you how much I long to put on my fedora and skip down the street with you, with coffee sloshing out of our cups, giggles erupting from our mouths-on our way to a studio-with streaming sunlight through huge windows, soft comfy chairs-art supplies for me and writing supplies for you.
I find the connection to writing you make very insightful-and I am so happy you wrote this poem.
I love you sweet girl.
Let’s drag eachother to mexico…….
March 29 2007 at 6:42 am
kristen
I’ve been thinking a lot about that statement….being emotionally sober and boy, do I need to listen to those words. Never be or feel embarrassed by what you write here Bee. Your words resound with so many of your friends here and you are so honest with your emotions…..you are more present than most and that’s what makes your words so compelling.
Sending you love my friend. xo
March 29 2007 at 7:35 am
Shaz
JUst thinking your amazing makes me smile knowing your amazing makes me dance. XXX
March 29 2007 at 7:47 am
Kelly
We are here for you, Bee. It’s okay to reach out to ten people and ask each one, “talk to me.” I’m glad you are reading again and writing again.
I love your poking the flowers analogy! So true.
March 29 2007 at 8:40 am
Jessie
Well, I definately can’t say it any better than kristin already did. Do what ya gotta do, but just know that you are not the only one at the amusement park, if ya know what I mean…. 😉
Let’s help each other get grounded. I love ya!
j.
March 29 2007 at 8:59 am
Claire
We love you so much honey…I am sending good vibes as always and praying for blessings and balance to come to you…
Cxx
March 29 2007 at 10:39 am
daisies
beautiful daisies : )
you are never a drain … your honesty spilled across the page in words dance always has my arms reaching out to embrace your warmth …
what you said about spiders on my last post made me smile so much, i had no idea but in a strange coincidence, i have them scattered all over my house, a tiny rubber one on a light switch, a painted rock on my sink, a metal construction on my dresser to name a few ~ i will look at them differently now and think of you, my sweet sister … i love you … i cry with you and i rejoice with you … xox
March 29 2007 at 11:45 am
Brenda
We all have our good days and bad days. I just wish I could realize a down slope was coming before I was actually in the pit. Then i’d be able to prepare for it more. And just as I thought I was creeping out, some new problems (specifically money related) came along and trounced me back into that hole. But then something as silly as listening to the new Silverchair album (which is wonderful and amazing), brought me out of it. so small and insignificant really, an album i’d been waiting for, for awhile, and i got to hear it a few days before expected, and Brenda is back on top, laughing and dancing. I hope you find your silly, insignificant thing to raise you up, and hopefully keep you up for at least a little while, heh.
March 29 2007 at 12:25 pm
ceanandjen
Sweet Bee~ I think we all worry that if we talk about the negative in our lives/hearts we are going to appear as though we are…well draining others, but the bottem line is that we are all here supporting one another. We do all have crap days or weeks, and then there are those days when we see a bright light and a clear path and we rejoice in it. There is no judgement dear one, and that is part of what makes this community what it is.
Beautiful poem (you are such a talent honey), and I am happy that you are *better*….so happy.
Love to you.
xoxoxoxo
March 29 2007 at 2:15 pm
Mardougrrl
That’s a beautiful poem…and oh, daisies are my FAVORITE flower. I had a bit of an obsession with them back in the day. So thank you for sharing them. 🙂
You know, I think I’ve often felt that way, that I am draining others by being negatively honest on my blog, but I can tell you that, at least with you, it doesn’t seem to be true. I admire your TRUTH and it makes me reflect on those places where I also need to be more honest. So, thank you for that. And YES to being emotionally sober…it’s something I am also thinking about…how to use my feelings, especially my anger towards CHANGING whatever is driving me crazy (or my reaction to it) instead of just using it to maintain the status quo. This weekend I started reading a book called “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner, and oh, it hit me with some serious soul searching.
And why am I talking about anger when you are/have been depressed? Because I think depression is just masked anger mixed with serious feelings of helplessness.
I like you. 🙂
March 29 2007 at 2:38 pm
megg
You’re never a drain – the only way that you can heal is by being honest and real. We come here because we care – because we resonate with something you have said. I wish I could come over and play with you! Be well.
March 29 2007 at 3:32 pm
Kelly
I hope that you will be able to find the balance you need.
March 29 2007 at 7:56 pm
Melba
When you wrote you felt like you were draining I paused because I really don’t like when I feel I am being drained or draining. But with you I really don’t feel that way. I think there is this difference between High drama for the sake of an audience and drama because shit just happens in life. I can definately think of some blog posts I have read where I rolled my eyes (which I am not proud to say because everyone does deserve compassion, but…).
I never feel that way with you…it is the honesty. You are honestly going through your journey and we feel you, we feel that honesty from you.
I am glad today was a bit brighter.
Keep breathing.
XO,
Melba
March 30 2007 at 12:06 am
DebR
I love the poem and I love you, Bee. I’m glad you’re feeling better today. Just because “better” doesn’t mean everything is all perfect forever and ever doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be celebrated because Better is still lots better than worse, yes? 🙂
March 30 2007 at 9:49 am
JanePoe (aka Deborah)
Sometimes life and our emotional world are like rollarcoasters, dear Bee. And poking is trying to figure out, to understand, to take the temperature of where we are at … it’s an honour to be a witness to this journey & to share bits of my own journey in order to say, “Yes, my dear, it will not always be like this.” That is the one thing you can count on, tomorrow will never be exactly like today. Much love, peace, and and a big, gentle hug ~ JP
March 30 2007 at 11:52 am
j
hey bee, I just got caught up on your blog; I’m glad you’re feeling better and trying to write more consistently. I love the poem; I used to work with her in toronto, a few years ago, for one summer. xoxo j
March 30 2007 at 3:28 pm
Eileen Miller
good deal … glad you’re back to seeing the beauty all around. the first signs of spring are totally working for me right now. just a bit warmer and i’ll be out there digging in the dirt.
March 30 2007 at 10:33 pm
sophie
you beautiful girl!
one step at a time –
make tea
buy a book
write a mini-poem (three lines)
have an epson salt bath with tangerine…
ok –
that’s four steps!
hugs:)
March 30 2007 at 11:35 pm
Amber
Sometimes I feel JUST like this! I get it. Take your time to feel grounded. But know that we love you, you are not a drain. You do build us all up, and we love you right where you are.
🙂