this is a little bit of a pity-party, to warn you in advance – i’m sorry, i’m just really sad and i’m crying my eyes out and it won’t stop and this is the only thing that i think will make me feel better.
i suck. i just got home and found an email from my professor in my inbox. he’s cancelled the workshop tomorrow because he hadn’t heard from me. i’m so disappointed in myself. what happened to me this year? i’m not doing what i thought i was going to do. i am the only one accountable to myself, and i’m doing nothing. the old bee, the one i remember and liked, is gone. last year i never missed a deadline, or a class. this year that’s all i seem to do. i’m broke and i’m scared and i’m lonely…everyone i know is too busy with their own lives. it’s as it should be, in that regard.
tonight at the concert, i went to the bathroom at one point and caught a glimpse of my teeth in the mirror. growing up, my mother always used to tell me that my teeth were too yellow; my dad used to pay for the bleaching treatments. mom used to ask me why i laughed differently all the time – she thought that all my different laughter was faked somehow. during the first years that i was a teenager she criticized every photo i smiled in – she thought it looked weird.
when i brought home a 96% on a test, she (half-jokingly) asked where the other 4% had gone.
i slouched too much, i walked with my head down.
i talked back too much – why can’t you be more like your sister? why must you be so hateful?
she never taught me to cook her special recipes because i was too messy in the kitchen. she hated that i got flour everywhere.
i say this not to smear the memory of someone who is almost 10 years dead, but because field was driving me home from the concert tonight while i was having an internal FREAK OUT about the story, and he said, ‘has it ever occurred to you that you’re not allowing yourself to succeed because you automatically think you’re a failure?” (my paraphrasing).
of course i’ve thought about that. that’s all i think about and that’s a large part of what i beat myself up over, ironically: why can’t you be more easy on yourself? i’ve heard of the secret, i know about the power of creative visualization, but i can’t figure out how to beat the cycle that was entrenched into me since birth. the cycle where i’m always not good enough (at school, at my job, at my friendships, at my lovelife – i’m failing at that, i’m failing at that, i’m failing at that, and i failed at that), not pretty enough (my short hair unfeminizes me – i disappear more, which is both a good thing and a bad thing, my stomach’s gaining weight, i have more pimples now than i did when i was going through puberty), not smart enough (i always stammer or get too passionate about something or don’t have enough research to back up my point), not organized enough….not enough.
i’ve had three separate women come up to me crying in the past year, to tell me how sorry they were that my mother was so hard on me.
you two were so similar, they said, she didn’t want you to make the same mistakes she did.
i’ll tell you, it’s difficult having an argument with someone who is dead.
it occurred to me tonight that i was born to perfectionist parents and socialized to be one, and then cut loose traumatically when one died. after that, any attempts at family i had were laughable – my stepfather called the police on me once, because he was sure i had enabled some hippies to break into the house; my stepbrother didn’t remember the date i was born, so he scheduled his wedding for the same day; my dad told us if he had his life to live over again he wouldn’t have had kids, and moved to costa rica.
from there i drifted from partnership to couch to partnership to couch to alcohol abuse – i never addressed these issues, i only ran, and tried to hide in someone, in something. i was doing some work, seeing a therapist intermittently and going on meds for a while and trying constantly to get healthy in the hopes that drastic diet changes would help stabilize me…but i have no idea, still, how to retrain my thoughts.
i0 spent a lot of time in my early twenties’ helping other people to achieve their dreams – so much so that when i finally turned 25 and started to get a sense of restlessness that i finally identified as, oh yeah, you forgot about YOU, i had no idea how to focus on myself – so i wanted to be a writer. how does one do that? school seemed like the answer – i had always given myself a hard time for never finishing (and i was HELL on my ex about his never finishing), so i moved here, and my demons, they snuck into the packing boxes.
i believe i have lost control of my academic year. i need help. if i screw up, there is no masters’ for me. and that’s what i want.
actually, i’m lying. i’m lonely, too. still/again/constantly. i miss being touched. i miss being held. i miss the peace of having someone i love crawling into bed beside me when they’re done with their day.
i keep getting offers of cuddles, but they haven’t worked out as of yet. that’s i think what i really need, a loooooong one.
18 comments
Comments feed for this article
March 27 2007 at 12:46 am
DebR
{{{{{Bee}}}}}}
I hope you get some cuddles and some comfort and peace. Sending lots of love and good thoughts your way~~~~~~
March 27 2007 at 1:39 am
Brenda
hmmmm, i wish i could crawl in next to you and cuddle with you till everything is alright. it seems the two of us are having a rough time right now. my sombre shadows have crept from the wooden chest hidden deep inside my soul, and i couldn’t shut the lit quite quick enough. I hope we both feel better tomorrow when we wake.
March 27 2007 at 6:36 am
Susannah
i miss being cuddled too – it’s not easy. but i have learnt, after two long years on my own, that there are ways to cuddle and embrace ourselves, that the cuddles from the outside will come when i can truly hold myself through the hardest moments. i think i’m starting to get to that place – and you will too, my love. you *don’t* suck, Bee – you are living and breathing through every moment with integrity and honesty – be gentle with that lost little girl, okay? xo
March 27 2007 at 9:22 am
krista
Do internet cuddles count?
It’s amazing the impact our parents have on us though isn’t it? Sometimes it feels like you are stuck starting in the negative, when you feel you deserved to be starting way up in the positives.
I guess the first step is noticing it, then getting over it.
I hope school becomes more a priority for you in your heart, and with passion- if that’s what you want.
March 27 2007 at 11:16 am
Claire
Oh honey, I’m so sorry you are sad. If it weren’t for the pesky Atlantic, you know I’d be there at the double with a big old Claire-hug, right? I hope you get through this and get some clarity – the baggage we get from our past can be so hard to deal with, but we have to move on, or else we just stand still, stranded. And you are worth so much more than that. Write me a letter hon. I want to hear from you.
Much, much love,
Claire
March 27 2007 at 1:10 pm
daisies
oh my sweet … i am hugging you from here, i am closing my eyes and i can feel you …
we have walked such similar paths that sometimes i read your words and i am taken back and taken aback …
those years that i was alone were some of the hardest years and some of the most powerful years, i went through every emotion and remembered every detail of every piece of my existance because i had nothing to distract me .. it was so hard and there were times when all i wanted to do was crawl into my closet and curl up on the floor in the dark … but …
eventually, i found the power and light inside of me and you will too because i see it in you, you are so beautiful, you glow from the inside out. your writing is incredible, it blows me away with its depth … you are incredible, truly … i love you …
March 27 2007 at 1:39 pm
leah
from someone with ultra critical parents, i hear you. it’s hard to live up to impossible expectations. it’s awful how they transfer from our parents and become our own, turning us into our own worst enemy.
there’s a post over at jamie’s blog (starshyne productions) about how our thoughts create our realities. it’s not a new idea, but what i took from it today that was helpful, was the idea to celebrate our small successes, giving yourself credit for what you’ve done right even if it’s just that you took a shower today. a bit of synchronicity because i had written something about that to myself in my journal this morning before i read jamie’s post. i’m feeling so overwhelmed and so i told myself to be sure to celebrate my small successes (because i tend to think nothing i do is good enough and that’s such a stressfull way to live.) anyways, this rediculously long comment is all just to say to take especially good care of yourself, be gentle with your tired soul, and give yourself credit for all that you have done. ***love and hugs to you***
March 27 2007 at 1:58 pm
loverlywings
god, i’ve missed you. i get you. i know this struggle, because it’s mine, too. know that i understand…we should chat.
it’ll be ok, love.
March 27 2007 at 7:20 pm
kristen
I had a veyr critical mom who is now dead, almost a year. It is SO very hard to turn off that inner critic, that is waiting to beat you down at every turn.
I used to be much more organized and I’ve become overwhelmed with how I’ve let things spiral out of control. Instead of looking at the big picture, I’ve started small. I look at the task at hand, now what will happen when A and B take place. I try to just do what’s required (clean up, put it away, etc.) and so far, like the horse with blinders, I’m getting things accomplished.
Bee, please know you don’t suck. What sucks is the darkness sucking away at you. Try not to beat yourself up – because than all the negativity wins. I promise this too shall pass dear one, and if you need to talk I’m here.
March 27 2007 at 8:28 pm
Loralee
You have had a major loss, Bee. MAJOR loss. You are not going to be the same girl now as you were last year before experiencing it.
When I lost my son, I was a complete basket case for about 3 years. It was horrible. I felt so desperate, trying to keep it together and then railing on myself mercilessly when I failed.
One day as I was sobbing a lake on my table, a thought occurred to me. The loss of my son was terrible. TERRIBLE. To just go on like I was before would be a huge slap in the face to him and all he meant to me.
Shoving this down and locking it away won’t do any good, neither will being unkind to yourself and expecting too much right now.
Take it a bit at a time. Do what you are capeable of, and that is enough. Some days picking out clean underwear is a triumph!
Take time to mourn your relationship and know that it will get better, just in little pieces and with lots of backtracking and meandering along the way.
March 27 2007 at 8:43 pm
Melba
Bee,
I have been there.
I am glad you have this outlet.
Often I wish I had the magic steps (or potion) of how I got from point A to point B. I don’t really know exactly how, but I did. You will too.
Keep reaching out, believing, reading, and writing.
and Know
and Know
you were born worthy.
Believe it!
XO,
Melba
March 27 2007 at 10:51 pm
JanePoe (aka Deborah)
Oh Bee,
The truth is neither I, nor all the lovely, caring people who connect with you on this blog can instill within you the beauty and worth that you have here on this earth. Your parents old messages cannot be overcome by anyone but you (and I know this from intimate experience). Use you knowledge and your truth about where you are at and reach out to put into place the tools you need to turn this around.
Reach out to your professor or others and say what is your truth, “I’m struggling to move myself out of a scared, lost place and I *want* more than anything to get my Masters, to succeed and to overcome the barriers that are in my life right now.”
And as far as The Secret goes, I do believe our thoughts attract things into our lives — good or bad. And finding a way to shift those thoughts and your energy to attract the positive is going to have to happen in order for you to have the things you want. You are stronger than you are allowing yourself to believe right now. Much stronger.
Sending peace, love and a supportive spiritual cuddle to you right now … JP
March 28 2007 at 12:29 am
Mardougrrl
I wish I had something wise to say, but luckily lots of amazing women have already done so. But…I have been there, where you are, emotionally. I am still working through the changes of my own relationship with my parents and feeling like I’m not a success, et al. It’s not fun, and it’s not easy, but you are DOING it.
You are going to make it. We’re going to help you.
xoxo,
Monica
March 28 2007 at 12:42 am
Helena
When I get into the space you describe so well I
Take a deep breath and sink into the feeling of wanting so badly to do the right thing but not knowing why I can’t seem to get it right.
And then I always realise that I don’t know what to do, I am lost and scared and angry with myself.
And then a wave of compassion towards me and my situation engulfs me and then I feel better.
I hope that you manage to do what you need to to remember how lovable and amazing you truly are.
BIG HUG
March 28 2007 at 6:15 am
Eileen Miller
Beeeeee-
It took me a long time to walk through stuff that tied me up in knots from parents and my many siblings. I tried to just skirt around stuff, but it came back repeatedly and kicked my ass. Evertime something new would occur, I would dial up the crap from the past into a sickening little bundle of negativity. So finally, I worked one-on-one with a sweet therapist for a while and started going to Al-Anon and the miracle happened. The whole “detach with love” came into play in a big way. It gave me the ability to see things in a new light … and honestly, not too much wigs me out anymore with regard to them. It also gave me the confidence and re-infusion of self-esteem I needed. And when wierdness occurs NOW, and it does, it’s brief and I roll on …
With regard to The Dog Whisperer …Cesar Millan … I ordered the DVD set of the first season. My dog is pretty whacked. 11 months old, hyperactive, and stubbornly dominant. Again, a lesson in changing MY behavior, since I’m such a SAP! Anyway, this guy’s techniques are amazing!!!
March 28 2007 at 12:14 pm
Delia
Now it is my turn to second what the others before me have said…I wish you well. I have been in dark places more times than I like to even think of, so you aren’t alone. Even if you feel as though you are.
–D.–
March 28 2007 at 2:07 pm
Zora Jones
hey bee…sweetie, you have lots of friends that gather here to you for you. all want the best of things for you, that life has to offer.
pick yourself up and you go at the world…face up. this is nothing to what you or I have been through before. i see the strength in you sweetie…we are amazons.
bee, when i make a mess of things…i get up and i clean it up and start again. Work at it and little by little you will be where you want to be in your life.
i’m sending healing vibes your way…and a huge hug too. i care about you bee.
March 28 2007 at 8:06 pm
kiyotoe
Wow. It’s amazing how our parents can affect us so deeply for the rest of our lives by the things they say and do even when we’re little kids. I’ll never forget being approx. 6 or 7 years old and overhearing my 23 year old mother crying on the phone and I heard her say “why did I have a kid. What was I thinking?”
Whew. And even though she never intended for me to hear it and probably still doesn’t know that I heard it 25 years later. There is a tiny bit of guilt in me somewhere that wonders if I’ve stopped my mother from accomplishing great things or fulfilling one of her wildest dreams. Despite what she’d say, that feeling is still there.
And please do link me under “gorgeous images” but only if you visit my main blog “050376” so I can get a crack at getting into that “delicious words” group too.
my ego insists. 😉