i’ve tried to write posts for several days now…i want to spend time in this space and i miss it very much. i’m just completely overwhelmed right now.

the last month of university is already really hard on me, psychologically. my brain runs on a frequency that almost kills me – i’m constantly stressed. literally, i’ve dropped OUT of school before (at least three times) to avoid it. i’m not sure what goes wrong with me – but everything seems to blow up in my face around now. i have a shakespeare essay that, while i have a note for it, is still almost two weeks late. i have a short story that was supposed to be in on wednesday that i’m still banging my head on my desk over. my apartment is a mess and currently i don’t have enough money in my account to cover rent. i have friends who are going through HELL, and my mind returns to them in grief and support every few minutes.
coming up, i have two workshops, a fifteen-page essay, an uncertain future at my job, needing to pay tuition in order to register for summer courses…i want to press pause on my life, go around and clean myself up and then start it over again, at a slower pace. i mean, seriously? WTF.

on my walk the other day, i spent a lot of it talking to “god”. that is something i’ve picked up from finding water – the habit of praying again. the power of manifesting. i don’t believe in the christianized version of ‘god’ – or rather, i do, but my concept of god isn’t limited to that definition. maybe it’s because my parents never took us to church unless my religious relatives were in town, or it was a holiday – but praying always felt forced to me – but i like the idea of writing to god, and it’s been easier to talk to the universe, at the same time.
on my walk, i asked for help.

i’ve got an addictive personality, extraordinaire. if it isn’t smoking cigarettes, or dabbling in cocaine, or drinking, or reading, or watching a good tv show non-stop until it’s over, it’s spending money. i am HORRIBLE with budgeting, ย and this past month, with the depression and the newfound singledom, the feeling lonely and the longing for a companion, i’ve allowed myself to baby myself a bit more than i should have.
the problem that i have is instilling a healthful discipline, because when i instil discipline in myself, i go the exact OPPOSITE way, and deny myself things i shouldn’t.

when i came back from my walk, i googled the spiritual reasons for being bad with money, and wasn’t surprised when the base chakra came up again. something i don’t talk about much here is reiki, or the healing that i do. more than being an overt feature of my life, it runs like a stream deep throughout the mineshaft of my belly. i’ve known for a while that due to the abuse i went through as a babe, and the subsequent events that happened to shake my faith when i was just about to stabilize again, that my base chakra is one that i need to heal the most. muladhara ~its sanskrit name

i have trouble trusting that if i fall, the universe will ‘catch me’ (and under that heading comes all the poor people who have tried to love me only to be suffocated by my need to cling to them, thinking that they would disappear); i need to make sure my basic needs are constantly met; i have trouble focussing and staying disciplined; i am INCREDIBLY disorganized when i get thrown off-course…

this realization just rang true for me, that’s all. i need to breathe, to live in the present moment, absorb the lessons that the universe is teaching me each second. i need to open up the most when it feels like i want to close up.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~anais nin

and now,ย to answer some questions from my beautiful sister: ย 

1. What brings me peace? yoga. meditation. cuddling. never-ending hugs. walking outdoors in the freshly unfurled sunshine. reading a good book. spending a few moments with animals and or children. sinking into my creative headspace.

2. Where does God live for me? in nature – in the forest on top of mont royal, in the open spaces of the yukon, the cloud forest on top of the volcano in costa rica; in my loved ones and their amazing spirits; in the page; in my familiars; in the details.

3. What do I do to escape the dull-drum fuglies? talk to people i trust, get outside, sweat, clean house, create art. cry.

4. What I Love/What I am Grateful for – when i stay aware, i’m grateful for everything. today, i’m grateful that abby’s okay, that thea is being supported, for the sound of drums that field and i experienced last night, the hip-hop that we’ll experience tonight, black coffee, nina simone, peacock feathers, happy cats, laughing fits (i’ve had several lately :D), this blogging community, spring which cometh. poetry.

5. What part of my life and my Self could use a little more compassion? i need to give both more patience and understanding and love. i’m way too overcritical, so that when positive things happen, (like field, for instance, telling me that i’m wonderful a few days ago) i can UNDERSTAND that he’s talking about ME.

6. Where does my “true north” point to? using my words to help people realize their own truths. to weave stories and help the world understand that stories happen every where – in the way a stone erodes, in a bottle of homemade pickles, a rag rug, a long conversation. to be an artist, a traveller, a creator, someone who never ‘solidifies’ and always stays open to questions and wonder.

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