first, yay for february being almost over. the last snowstorm a few days ago coupled with the drop in temperature really finished my love affair with winter. spring will be so damned good, though.
second, anyone need a job designing a new web banner? i need a new blog template….
in over two years, only one other person has come close to touching me in the way that field has. (you can read about crush-boy here). i trust him, am disarmed with him, and feel cared for on a completely instinctual level, because quite honestly, we haven’t had a chance to truly explore any type of friendship yet.

a quick synopsis of how i know him: i’ve worked at my job for over a year and a half, and i’m the longest-running employee by far. crush-boy was hired about 6 months after me, and right away i sensed something about him – sensed that i felt something different for him. over the next few months, we got to know each other a little, and on one of our work-outings, we had a tipsy kissing encounter in the ladies’ bathroom. (he followed me in there, ostensibly to keep a conversation going.)
we began to date.
and then…life started happening. he got in to 2 separate bands; i was in school and working 2 jobs. we didn’t stop dating, we just stopped calling. i still had very confused feelings for field, anyway, and i figured that it was for the best. we were working together, i already knew that he had a thing against “work relationships”…but there was always something there.
i cared for him. a lot. 

every so often, we’d hang out and invariably, kiss on each other again. that would never be my intention, i truly like him and he’s led a crazy, interesting life and i want him as a friend – but old habits die hard.

then, in december, he tripped on the ice and fell. i’d already left for peterborough for christmas, and so didn’t find out until a week later that he’d had to go to emergency a few days later and that something that should have been minor was actually quite, quite major. he had slipped a disc in his neck: this meant that his drumming career was over. he couldn’t work. he couldn’t walk.

i don’t take it very well when my loved ones get hurt, and the fact that he was in so. much. visible. pain just killed me. i went to see him only twice after that – and then he ended up going home to b.c. for a few weeks so that his mother could take care of him.

i walked into work last week and noticed that his name was on the schedule for march.
i didn’t know he was back in town.
i’d left him this silly message once, and written him an email, but hadn’t heard back from him, so i thought that i had pushed too hard and pushed him away. i was sad, but okay with that.

yesterday was the first day we worked together. i didn’t know what to expect…the last time i’d seen him i thought i’d made an ass out of myself by being a bit too open with my feelings for him. i thought things might be awkward.

i didn’t expect it to be so good to see him again.
we talked a bit, i tried not to look at him too much, and then at one point i mentioned to him that i felt like going for a beer after work. he asked if i’d buy him one. i said of course i would.

we talked for three hours. i was able to share things with him that i haven’t been able to with just anyone…i could feel myself opening up to him when i’d expressly tried to wall myself up against him. he shared with me too, about his journey over the past few months. he told me that the messages i’d left for him had really meant a lot, but that he hadn’t been in a space to reach out to anybody. i told him i understood that, and i did.
i mean, i can’t believe how easy it was to be honest about how depressed the past few months have been. my health scares. the abuse. how i’m figuring out why i am the way i am. i couldn’t sugarcoat the truth with him.

true to form, we kissed good night. (sigh.) and even though i feel kind of silly about it, i’m kind of silly about him.

ironic that it happened on the eve of the break-up-iversary: this was happening, a year ago.

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