there is so much going on in my mind right now, and i want to write it out here, but i just don’t know how, or where to start. i thought about making a “happy face/sad face” list a la vanessa (a concept that i love, because it shows how, in a day, the positives and negatives can be intertwined), but then something in me deflated right when i was about to begin. i thought about writing a letter to the universe, a “to whom it may concern” – that felt too formal, artificial, and structured.
right now i am simmering with every single emotion known to the human race. my next-door neighbour is hammering something into the wall (because when is he not?) and i want to go through the wall and throttle him. my dog is staring at me, and i feel guilty for not having walked her lately. i feel guilty because there is a LARGE part of me that wants to give her, and the cat, up and pack up all my stuff and actually go backpacking in (fill in the blank country) for months and months, like i’ve always wanted. but would that solve anything?
not really. i’d probably get there and my routine would be thrown out of whack, and i’d be three time zones away from anything familiar and STILL lonely as hell.
field says i’m “born to run”, and my god, he’s kind of right. there’s always a part of me that’s fought against type…not wanting to settle down, frumpify, change. i remember being a teenager and looking at my mom, with her high-waisted skirts and after-work jogging suits and andrea bocelli, her middle-class contentment, and going “NOT ME. EVER. i want to be the kind of woman that a teenager would love to be friends with.”

and i’ve always wanted to travel for months and months, nothing but a knapsack on my back, but when i was 22 i got the bean, (my cat), and…there’s a part of me that considers them kids. i call myself the single mom.

anyway…less with the randomness, and more of the why i’m random.

  • finished writing my very last undergraduate essays EVER. (this is a very good thing).
  • told once again by my university administration that because they lost my medical note from last year and there was an internal mix-up that i still don’t have a high enough g.p.a to graduate. bastards.
  • went to a ob/gyn app’t today and the results were “unusual and required further testing”. i’ve been there before, but still, those are not heartening words to hear. like, AT ALL.
  • also told, again, “how much of a rough life i’ve had”. fuck off, and let me live it. stop reminding me that i may actually have reasons to feel a bit crazy at times. personally, my life doesn’t feel super hard to me; but i guess it LOOKS hard on paper.
  • field and i have not seen each other in 2 weeks. this is very hard. very, very, considering the above two reasons. sometimes, trying to sync up our schedules literally feels like i’m banging my head against a sharp brick wall. it really, really hurts; and my heart feels like a water balloon that’s about to start leaking.
  • starting to read a really good book, i think, called a complicated kindness.
  • writing for the past 3 days in a row.

 i wrote in an email to a friend of mine that my life feels lately like a hairshirt that’s REALLY itching the hell out of me. i just have to breathe, remember that i’m transitioning, i have to be gentle with myself…but wow, this can be REALLY hard to remember.

i’m feeling like i need to run. i want someone to run with. i don’t know, i’m a pretty mess right now. at least i haven’t cried yet.

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