hi, lovelies.

i’ve visited all of your blogs in the past while, and i don’t think i’ve commented on a single one – but please know that i am sending you love.
i just can’t seem to get my thoughts together enough…or i start to say something and run out of steam…

yesterday i slept for 20 out of 24 hours. i just lay in bed and watched my glowing yellow window (it was snowing, and the streetlamps were reflecting off the invisible drifts and lighting everything up), covered in my pets, and dreamed. i dreamed of someone i haven’t met yet…i can still see and smell their skin.

i am allowing myself not to answer the phone or the door.

field is leaving for barbados tomorrow…for something family-related. and he’s stayed up until 4 am this past week getting all of his things done, and all i’ve had to do are two essays, 2 2-page essays, and i’m still at the starting gate.
ostrich-alert: i’m too scared to check my email again.

things i’ve realized about myself: when i think i’m “preparing” to do something, there is a lot of mindless staring going on.
i am perhaps not the best at dealing with momentous change in my life, especially if i’ve framed it as such.
i am wasting time, i have a lot to do, and i feel like it’s so much that i am completely paralysed.
i am scared. just terrified. i’ve compartmentalized it so well that i can barely feel it, but when i breathe or sit and try to honestly talk about it, there it is. hi, fear!
once again, i have isolated a little, and thus field is my sole confidante at the moment, and he is leaving.
i am way more down than i thought.

the thought crosses my mind that the essays i have to write are not much longer than this blog post will be.

quickly, some things i feel grateful for:

all of you.
getting to hug field yesterday. drinking irish breakfast tea sprawled out over his couch, and him.
my familiars.
i have not missed my daily shower yet, in fact, i am upping the quota to two since i can’t drop that. i haven’t.
anthony hamilton.
being here, to enjoy my bathrobe and the warm sun shining through my window.
strong coffee.
breathing.

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