i’ve been quiet for a little while because i’ve been expecting things to have changed, or moved a little. they haven’t. i’ve completed my portfolio, but haven’t handed it in as i’ve been waiting to hand them all in together.

i’m working up to 10-hour days and it’s been difficult for me to spin my “right when i get home half an hour downtime” into “sit energetically at the computer and write a coherent paper”.

i feel like time is leaching away, which it is, but more than that i feel disappointed by the way i’m using my time. i feel like i should be able to jump out of bed each morning and get right to work, come home and be disciplined enough to do the same. but of course, life intervenes. some time in the last few years i convinced myself that i need a few hours to fully wake up in the morning, and now that habit is entrenched: as i sit and write this, i’m wishing i had another pot of coffee already being made…my hair is standing up on end and i could easily just read rumi or neruda poems on my rumpled couch all day…at least until daisy persuades me that it would be much more fun to go outside and have a snowball fight.

if i can just come home from work today and pull an all-nighter…i could be done…

some time over the last week, i woke up one morning and it had snowed around 30 centimetres. the weather went straight from wondering if it was actually autumn to fully committing to winter. and i don’t know if it’s the combination of my dog, who LOVES bounding through the drifts until she falls in one and disappears, or just the warmish, sunny days that have followed, but i am really loving winter this time around.

maybe it’s the idea that the snow is protecting the earth, and letting it heal and renew. maybe it’s that i was consciously framing winter as a time for my own regeneration. maybe it’s daisy’s sheer joy and rediscovery every time we go outside that makes me look and appreciate everything differently…

i’ve been feeling more solid.
i’ve been thinking of it as though i were a tree, and my roots had spread too thin, then i had suddenly learned how to guide them back into myself.

this past week it’s been easier to draw my own boundaries – specifically when i was in a situation where i didn’t like how i was being treated. normally, i am pretty quiet in that type of confrontation, or i go the complete other way and dissolve, (which is why i normally stay quiet – less embarrassing!) but not this time.

i’ve been a lot more self-accepting this week. i’m not sure how; it just happened. wanting to bring my new elestial crystal to work with me and actually bringing it with me. (letting myself actually talk about crystals without worrying that i’m coming off as too much of a new-agey flake.) 
there’s this woman i have bought all of my jewelry from in the past year. her husband designs and creates the silver, and together they go travelling to find the semi-precious stones for each piece.  she’d show up every few months or so to have a table in the mezzanine of the main uni building.

i’m so attracted to her things, i’m like a woman-specific magpie.

the last time i was on campus, she had this elestial (i didn’t know at the time what they were) but this gorgeous, charcoal gray crystal, (big enough to sit in the palm of your hand) with rusty accents just sitting there. and i had this huge conversation with myself about how i didn’t need a ROCK (even though i am a rock freak. i have so many crystals and beach stones and jewelry made from semi-precious stones it’s kind of ridiculous) but then i picked it up…

it’s mine now.

i think it’s funny in a beautiful way how each of us are attracted to the things that really heal us. i don’t know why i love crystals or stones so much, but i do. when i lie down and give myself, or others, a treatment with my chakra set – i love them so much that i can feel them working. i’ve got to the point where i simply don’t care if it’s psychosomatic… 🙂

so i’m interested, and wanting to know, what’s YOUR dirty little feel-good secret?

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