i have got to get some work done. i’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately – thinking that school is going to be over in 10 days (ohmyfuckinggod) and i’m nervous about that. all my life, i’ve never thought past getting my degree and here i am, at another fork in my life’s path.

field told me today that i missed the deadlines for applying for funding for master’s programs. i think i’m going to apply anyways, but i feel downhearted about that. i have to take myself in hand and tell myself that really, when was i supposed to figure that out? my head’s been full of other things for a few months. it’s okay. breathe.

good things: the newest issue of vanity fair is out. (i love how it has more words than pictures! and i love how the pictures that are there are so beautiful! and i love how smart it is!)

this luscious blog. it feels like i’m discovering another kindred. i love that. i’ve been spending a lot of time today browsing her archives.

the air. i love how nice it feels to breathe in chill air. how clean i feel.

doing 6 loads of laundry – (back up from when the one machine in our building was broken).

buying some make-up at the pharmacy. whenever i go to get my prescriptions filled i always let myself pick out something. today, it was blush (i’m scared of my autumnal pallor) and more lip balm.

making a date to drink champagne and get tattooed with field’s support the day after graduation. (since we got tattooed together last year, we’ve made the silly pact that we won’t get any more tattoos without the other one present. but those kinds of pacts i like).

getting the newest issue of bust, simply because she’s on the cover. and yes, my magazine budget for the month is waaaaaay in overdraft.

excited. scared. stressed. tired. open to the possibilities. wanting to hide. all of these things are in my body right now. hope. clutter. a desire to minimize. a desire to be real.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room.  “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse.  “It’s a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse.  “You become.  It takes a long time.  That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby.  But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

-Margery Williams, “The Velveteen Rabbit”.

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