in home-related news, daisy was really excited and bouncy yesterday when i got home from work, and she jumped up and bashed her skull into MY EYE. if you’re wondering if it left a bruise, oh HELL YEAH did it. i’ve been asked if i’m testing out halloween make-up, if i was in a fight, or a domestic argument…but the oddest thing was, i was told i look hot.

I stood there looking at him, thinking very sternly to myself, “bee, don’t take the bait. don’t smack him or start yelling. just smile, give him his groceries, and let him leave.” so i did.

granted, i don’t much care for this customer. he’s older, (40’s-50’s) with these COLD blue eyes and…my instincts recoil when i notice him. at the gym i used to go to he would sometimes be there, and i’ve sat in a sauna with him.

on my way to work this morning, i was walking on the side of the street that has the depanneur (convenience store) on the corner, when a blue car pulled out in front of me.
“hey, darlin’.” the 60-year-old man behind the wheel said. “have a good mornin’.”

at the time, my hackles raised. for a minute. and then i thought, why would you immediately jump to conclusions? he was just being polite. i reminded myself to keep my heart open, like i try to in so many other ways…but there’s a part of me that can’t forgive the men in my life.

both instances today reminded me of all the sexual, or gendered harassment i’ve personally encountered in my life. there have been so many…

a month of so ago when my friend grew six other arms…

a month and a half ago when the owner of a second-hand bike shop waited on every customer before me and then asked if he could lock the door to make my sale…and then when i realized i only had my bank card, proposed an “alternate payment arrangement”…

the 70-year-old barber who cut hair down my street in ottawa who saw me walking to work every day and gave me candy, who, six months into our acquaintance, asked me to give him a blowjob in exchange for shelter from the rain….

the cars that follow me home, making circles around the block and lowering the window each time they pass by…

the few men who had consensual access to my body but then took liberties without consent…

and on. and on.

there was a conversation at the counter today, stemming from comments made about my eye, between a female customer and a male. the woman was reassuring the man that he didn’t have to worry, that she didn’t have it in her to be a victim – that she didn’t have that “hit me” energy.

it was, once again, one of those moments when i skillfully bit my tongue.
i wanted to say, i was there, once! but i knew i would start to cry. i wanted to tell them that sometimes you just don’t know what situation you’re getting into…sometimes there’s economic issues at stake, or lack of support…some women have children…some women have problems with ability…who’s to say who’s a victim? who’s to judge?

my father’s second wife (he’s been married, and divorced, three times), couldn’t watch certain movies, or read certain books, because she would get hysterically upset. i’ve never been like that; in fact, there’s a part of me that wants to engage in remembering that that side of life exists, to bear witness…

at the same time, i don’t doubt that a lot of mainstream media (and the constant inundation of it – for an amazing commercial, check out ‘onslaught’ in my sidebar) is to blame for the over-submissive, oversexualized image of women out there.

i try very hard to keep my heart open…to do as pema chodron (no linking tonight) suggests and soften in the moment. but my walls are built up so high in some places, that they have turned into battlements…

tell me stories of your strength…?

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