today i had a doctor’s appointment.

field has been urging me for weeks to go (he knows how much i dislike going), but because i was so behind in school BECAUSE of complications from my c.p. i decided to bite the bullet and get the notes that would, once again, save my ass*.

i don’t like going to doctors (most of them) for many reasons. the first is that so many can be like a doctor that i used to go to at the same clinic i visited today – the doctor who glanced at me, sitting down, and from that highly-inquisitive look told me the pain i was feeling in my hip was due to bursitis. the second is that it tends to wear me out, emotionally, to hear the same phrase over and over, “well…i don’t know what to say. i don’t know much about c.p. nobody does – so i can’t tell you if it will advance or not.”

so i went, making sure beforehand that i would not be seeing that bad doctor.
the doctor i went to see actually listened to me. he did reflex tests on my legs, got me to bend over to see how my hips ‘floated’ in my body, and started suggesting anti-inflammatories. i told him that i was resisting becoming (in my mind) a pill-popper…that, if this was the start of a steady decline in physical health, that i didn’t want to be completely dependent on them in 10 years or so.

the doctor looked at me at that point and asked, “are you in the theatre department? i mean, are you this theatrical in real life? how do YOU know where you’re going to be in 10 years? i’m not saying take a pill every day, i’m saying, take one if it helps.”

i had to laugh. point taken.

he went on to tell me that the anti-inflammatories he was suggesting were non-habit forming, and that they might actually keep my body from disintegrating…if the muscle tissue doesn’t swell, then there won’t be ‘rubbing’, and then the joints will stay more stable. it makes sense.

i got out of the clinic with my usual papers: a note, a prescription, a referral for an x-ray. (i have to get that done before i can be referred to an orthopedic surgeon). i went and bought myself a latte, and went to find field before class. (comfort cuddles, you know).

it’s always been hard for me to accept the limitations that people WANT to impose on me because of my c.p. i never wanted to wear shoes with ankle straps (my left foot can’t feel if its shoe is slipping off), or do my daily routine of exercises, or have monthly doctor’s visits.

i think that’s why, when i’m healthy (as in, feeling good, and painfree)ย i constantly pile my plate with TOO MUCH. witness the two jobs and full-time school and dog i was doing last month. this fast becomes a vicious cycle – i wear myself out, i start to hurt, then i get sick, then i wake up and realize i’m behind in my life, cue the depression – which i have to stay mindful of from now on.

i’m not saying that i’m going to impose limits on myself…rather that i keep in mind that i have a particular body, that requires particular care. just like everyone else – only mine is MINE.

i did a little retail therapy on the way home. when i’d go to my orthopedic surgeon when i was a kid, my mother would give me the whole day off school, and we’d go out for lunch and shopping after. that habit – feel teary because of medical issues? – is pretty well entrenched in my dna now. but it helped – and i’m two funky t-shirts richer for it.

field’s take on things is very useful for me, in situations like this. i tend to be over-emotional and to go straight to the worst-case scenario…but he was very gentle with me, saying, “good. this will give you the help you need. and nobody thinks any less of you, bee, for understanding your uniqueness.”

…those are words i will keep close to my heart.

*the peeing incident i spoke of a few weeks ago (and no, since then the crush and i have not ‘hung out’ – i think my medical issues were a little too heavy for him to want to engage with) was, as it turns out, a harbinger of a few fun weeks to come, complete with muscle spasms that would make me wake up out of a dead sleep, and hip/back pain that made me nauseous and faint. that led to my immune system being so stressed that i got sick a week ago.

ย the painting that is at the top of this post is by jan steen, and is borrowed from the wikipedia site.