the sun is starting to go down. i’m listening to amy winehouse and trying to stop avoiding my essay. i set up a desk lamp, so for the first time my overhead light is off. the light is yellow and friendly.
a mason jar of cooling yerba mate in front of my keyboard…a deep restlessness in my belly…my dog curled at my feet on the blanket that covers my legs…
academic work inspires such fear of failure in me. i’m thinking a lot about that, as i struggle to finish a two-page paper on a play i’ve read, and aced.
i realized today that i pile on the stuff-to-do so thick that when i actually get to my schoolwork, i’m mentally and physically at the end of my rope, so that when these ghosts come up (my godmother, being incredulous when i told her that i was going to go back to school, saying, “that’s a lot of money to put down if you’re just going to drop out again.”) i’m totally unable to deal.
when i went out west last year, i was shocked by the ‘ideas’ of me that i encountered. the worn-out reputations of the hard-drinking rebel (who attended her stepfather’s next wedding with pink hair and angry tattoos ablazing) and constant screw-up that i’d thought i’d left behind.
i had, to some extent…i’d re-invented myself. i’d moved, and stopped doing drugs in the new city. broken up with my long-term, “stabilizing” partner to fall madly in love again, right away. i’d become the working, full-time school student…
but still, when it gets quiet and there is just me and my pets in this apartment, there are an awful lot of ghosts that wake in my belly, and swim up to choke me.
i come here today for comfort…feeling like i’m in battle with myself. hoping i will finally absorb a sense of balance…
wishing for someone to hold me and trying to be fine that i only have myself right now…
waiting on the front porch 
5 comments
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October 2 2007 at 8:31 pm
ceanandjen
Beautiful you, if I were anywhere near where you are, I would be right there offering the biggest warmest hug that I could give you. Breathe through this damned essay and swat those ugly thoughts away…far away. You are not that person and you are ALMOST DONE with school, and you are smart and kind and loving and sooo many other things.
Sending you so much love.xoxoxo
October 2 2007 at 8:40 pm
daisies
oh yes, we both have older versions of our self, the same but different, grown and changed and i so understand how some people see you and still see the you then and not the you now but i also know that we take the best lessons from our experiences so that we can become who we are becoming … and you are beautiful, were beautiful and are becoming beautiful … always honey … sending you love and a warm smoochy hug!! xoxoxox
October 3 2007 at 12:24 am
Bohemian mom
Re-invent yourself as many times as necessary…I know I do.
It’s true though, some people don’t want to see the changes. They’re more comfortable with what’s familiar.
Keep your feet warm with your doggy… you are never alone.
October 3 2007 at 12:39 am
Loralee
I failed when I went back to school. (420 credits and still no degree.) I couldn’t deal with it. I wish I had stuck with it…pushed through the inadequate feelings and mountain of problems that got in the way.
You CAN do it, bee. I know you can.
October 3 2007 at 4:27 am
Denise
*big warm squishy hugs* It’s hard when other people won’t let go of how we used to be and when they don’t accept/believe that we have moved on from that reckless person we used to be. (For me) it makes me doubt that I have moved on that much and perhaps am still the same deep down, but then I realise – fuck it, I know how my head works right now, I am the only one who knows me completely, and that usually helps.
It’s great that you are working and in school full time, I have a inbedded fear of taking too much on because in the past it meant I’d go from working and in school full time to unemployed and quiting school – but sheesh, that was ten years ago!!
I know what you mean about those damn to do lists that pile up until you drown in them, what I do (ok, try to do!) is do one each day (probably the most easiest thing first! or the most fun!) and to never beat myself up over it, we are only human at all. And at the end of each day think about all the little things we have accomplished – if nothing much has got done that day at least (90% of the time) you can put, brushed my teeth, made my bed, took the dogs for a walk.
As for your essay, keep your hand moving across the page. You can edit it later (not that I know anything about academia!)