so many things have happened in the past four days, it’s kind of incredible.

the bus trip to banane’s town took 10 hours, so i arrived sleepily at 4 am. she put me to bed in the basement, where i crashed for 6 hours. i woke up at 10 to coffee and my cousin, who i haven’t seen since the yukon 2 years ago. her twins are 2 and a half. they are roly poly children with heads of curls (hers brown, his blond) and they laugh all the time. the first day i was there i fell off a tree-trunk stool in banane’s back yard, and for the rest of the visit, when they were asking where i was, they’d say, “bee fall?”
so i became the prat-falling aunt, for the weekend. in order to make kids laugh, you just have to pretend your bum is made of rubber.
we didn’t really DO much, per se. knowing that i would have to leave relatively early on sunday in order to be back in montreal at a decent hour, because i was opening at my job on monday, made the two full days i was there drowsy and slow. we went for walks, had a coffee at a restaurant, took the kids to the place where my sister has her farm acreage, took them for ice cream, took them swimming. i actually don’t feel like i had the opportunity to TALK to either my sister or my cousin as much as i’d wanted to, because my brain felt like marshmallow fluff the entire time.

saturday marked the 8-year anniversary of my mother’s death, so it was extra-special that the three of us were together. my cousin, who lost her mother (my mother’s older sister) to cancer as a baby, lived with us the year she was 11, when her father died of lung cancer. she and my mom were always close, and when banane had her internship in the yukon, they got close, too. (she and i have always been close, it seems.) we had a bonfire, and burned tobacco, and banane said a few words to commemorate the occasion.

something NOT cool that happened: a friend that i’ve known for almost 10 years needed to be told TWICE to keep his roaming hands to himself. he’s moved back to banane’s town to complete his ph.d and we hadn’t seen each other for years, so he came to the bonfire, and it was wonderful to see him, so he stayed over…unfortunately, he thought that staying over equaled something it didn’t. i did not expect that the first ‘no’ wouldn’t take. (i laughed it off at first, but i find that it is starting to bother me more and more as i think about it. i’ve even had a few cigarettes.)

yes. i’ve had 3 cigarettes today, if you can believe it. for someone who quit almost 2 years ago, i find that amazing. i sat on the lawn at work and tried to tell myself that it was okay, that it wasn’t such a big deal what he did, that i shouldn’t let it bother me. but there you have it, it did. and it felt good to smoke.

things are a little amiss with a close friend. nothing that can be helped, but i find my heart yearning to fix everything for him. i don’t like feeling this helpless when my friends are hurting. i got home to a few emails that he wrote, knowing i would get them only when i came back, and my heart broke a little, reading them.

i saw my crush at work today. he had to cancel our plans for tonight because he has to look for a new place, and i was a little disappointed. i don’t know when we’ll be able to see each other outside of work again, and because we were at work i couldn’t exactly kiss him, or anything. i always get so worried that people’s feelings for me will change unless i keep a keen eye on them.

i guess i’m thrown for a loop. it makes sense – what with the lack of sleep, the smoking, the events of the past weekend. i don’t FEEL thrown, but i am. every time i start a new romantic relationship – no matter how casual – i deal with the wispy ghosts of my sexual past…and with this friend being distinctly unfriendly, i have a whole new knot to unravel.

i have to read a lot of milton, make supper, walk the dog, write some pieces for my workshops tomorrow, and sort my things for a charity pick-up on wednesday. plus i feel that if i stay here, i’ll get a little more melancholy than i want to be right now. excuse me as i cut this short.