Open your eyes
Put it in drive
get on the road and just go.

City lights
turn the tree lines
and National Park signs
Mountains approach
with small winding roads
and the air turns to falling snow

Miles away or just up ahead.
It doesn’t matter what,
Any of us is looking for.
We’ll never find it, because
It’s not even there.

high beams showing
falling rock warning
construction work, slowing

The engine blazes
The elevation raises
The dynamite walls contain us

everyone’s wathcing
for animals crossing
through the part of the glass
that’s defrosted

Miles away or just up ahead
It doesn’t matter what,
any of us is looking for
We’ll never find it, because
it’s not even there.

Open your eyes
put it in drive
get on the road and just go.

City lights,
turn the tree lines
and National Park signs.
Mountains approach,
with small winds in the road
and the air turns to falling snow.

The engine blazes
the elevation raises
The dynamite walls contain us
-“dynamite walls” by hayden
so i got back from peterborough almost a week ago and i still haven’t found the time or the right words to communicate to you what a release it was. i didn’t remember, exactly, how much of a gypsy heart i have, or how much i needed to leave montreal until the bags were packed, the organic latte was bought, the dog was snuggled on her quilt in the back seat, and we were on the highway.

[on a side note, i f***ing hate driving on montreal highways. it is like this massive concrete spider with exit ramps coming up out of nowhere (and on the LEFT! – which will only horrify my north american readers) and sudden highway changes (oops! the 20 just became the 520! and now it’s the 40! be careful, don’t get into the lane that will take you to toronto!) and mad, mad drivers who honk and drive at ridiculous speeds and smoke. STRESSFUL. ]

and of course, it was a trip worthy of us. i decided to stop in ottawa to grab a coffee and let the dog out by the river. the SECOND i pulled into a parking spot across the street from the cafe, daisy leaned over and threw up all over my lap. so i grabbed a change of clothes, tied her up by the bench outside (on her new “long leash”, that banane had advised me to buy so we could keep her on lead and daisy wouldn’t scare the chickens into having heart attacks) and ran in to get into a clean outfit and get a good organic dark roast.
in the five minutes i was away from the car and my dog, daisy managed to chew through her leash, (AGAIN), charm some guy into tying her back up and giving her pieces of sausage and cheese (seriously? who walks around with pigs-in-a-blanket in their pocket??), AND i got a parking ticket on the rental car.

we stopped at silver lake and went swimming – daisy for the first time. she wasn’t as much of a water sprite as i thought she’d be, but to get into a lake for the first time all summer was DIVINE for me. i felt baptized into new life. and driving with the windows down, the sun beating into the car, damp from the river with a happy dog beside me was just…a pristine experience.

with all the delays and everything, i got into banane’s town late. banane and i visited for a while and then headed to bed rather early. the next day she headed off to do a few hours work and i drifted….drinking coffee and reading in the hammock in the backyard, walking daisy in the ravine, luxuriating in my sister’s wild and wonderful home (on a tiny suburban street, her yellow house explodes with waist-high sunflowers, wind chimes, a fire pit and homemade greenhouse). when she got home, we visited some more, made a quick dinner with her partner, and then headed with our dogs to the farm she had wanted me to come to help sit.

it was about 45 minutes out, and when we got there the dusk was settling over the trees and there was no light – not even the moon. we had to do some quick harvesting for the farmer’s market the next day, so while the dogs gambolled around the hay-covered fields, we picked turnips, carrots, and chard, and then sat in the kitchen for a few hours, sipping tea and tying the green onions into bunches.

i slept deep and dreamlessly – a side effect from the good country air. in montreal it gets so that i barely notice the smog.

the next morning we were up early again, this time to go to the farmer’s market. we drove back into town and set up the stall and then worked for 6 hours. i got to see a lot of the friends i’ve made since i started visiting my sister there seven years ago, and drink some great coffee, and eat amazing blini. after the farmer’s market was over, we drove back out to the farm, where i tried to milked the cow and we settled in for a FREE day.

on our free day we walked around a lot, talking and talking and talking. the dogs kept playing. (daisy is SO not a city dog. she needs the country.) we enjoyed each other’s company, for the first time in months, which is extremely weird for us. (usually, we talk every few days. such is the life of the farmer). and friday, at 5 in the morning, i started heading back to montreal, because i had to work at 2 in the afternoon.

i got to drive into the sunrise. that was amazing incredible beautiful mindblowing indescribable.

once i got back to montreal, i had just enough time to grab a five minute shower, drop off the dog, and get to work. when i got off at 9, i was so exhausted i was literally hallucinating. i worked saturday and sunday as well, all day, training a new girl and writing training protocol, and then worked monday. tuesday field and i went out to ikea so i could replace some badly chewed (daisy) furnishings and hung out for the first time in quite a while. yesterday i was both at my primary job and with the elves for a while – dealing with a SCREEEEEEAMING two-year old.

this is why i have not been here….what with all that and being out with daisy, i have just enough energy to fall down in my bed. plus, school is starting on tuesday. my courses are going to be an even 50-50 mix of incredibly academic and brain-twisting (an entire course on milton, and a course on 18th century restoration drama – who knew they had such a thing?) and fun, but exhausting (creative non-fiction, and prose poetry.) man, i had to FIGHT for the creative non-fiction course, (as apparently, the academic advisors think only one workshop is plenty for senior students – never mind that that’s why i came here), but i am SUPER-EXCITED about it. i also need to figure out the d- i have on a course i thought i got a medical exemption on last year. and tuition….

i think i’m moving to banane’s town next year. if i can get into the u of t m.f.a program, then i can live near my sister and two of my best friends in the world, and commute. bean will be able to sun his cute little kitty bum outside, daisy can frolic in a bigger space than a 3-room apartment, i can live in the rural setting my soul seems to be crying for, and…it’s a change. a change i’m semi-terrified of, but what the hell.

also: my crush and i are now officially, “dating”. whatever that means.

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