it feels so strange that it’s been a week and a half since i last posted; it doesn’t feel like that much time has gone by.

what i’ve been doing, the short version: i’ve been on “holiday” since wednesday, but i’m not going to the festival i originally scheduled the time off work for. i think i’d rather just be in the city and relax, maybe rent a car and go out to the country for a night – nothing too strenuous.
i’ve been reading chekhov for the first time – his selected short stories. ironically, i can’t believe how short they are. i’ve been watching the first season of medium (wow…i’ve been missing some amazing t.v. since i stopped buying cable). feeling pleasantly exhausted, and not-so-pleasantly like my brain is made of cotton batten.

what i’ve been doing, the long version: trying to really listen to my body. i was grateful that this time, when i wasn’t feeling so hot, that the “negative soundtrack” that usually plays in my head was silent. i was able to start looking deeper, past the feelings of frustration, to the roots of things, and i feel like i’m starting to finally figure it all out. i’ve been thinking a lot in terms of “this past year” lately, because last summer was hell for me in lots of ways. (you can read about it here, at my old blog, if you’d care to). i don’t know if i ever came out and said it publicly, but last summer was the beginning of the meltdown that saved my life. i remember being so depressed last year – feeling so confused and alone, panicky, frozen, crazy, and sad.
there was oceans and oceans of sadness in me then.
it seemed like all my fear and insecurity centred around losing field (so quickly) – i felt, at the time, that i wasn’t independent enough, or secure enough, or anything enough. of course field was just the metaphor – i needed to learn so many lessons about who i was, and i just wasn’t learning them, so the universe decided to give them to me all in one go.

now a year later, i feel like i’m finally allowing myself to be known. not only to myself, but to other people.
i’ve needed to spend a lot of time alone to get used to me, but here i am. i have adapted my notion of “security” to the idea that security, and insecurity, is just an illusion.  it is more about the present moment for me now, whatever that is, wherever it is.

i realized that my negative soundtrack was, in fact, someone else’s words which had scored themselves into my memory. i didn’t necessarily think those thoughts about myself – i don’t. it’s a huge relief to realize that i don’t think, or believe, the soundtrack anymore.

it’s intensely, intensely humid and hot in montreal lately, with only a few evening rains to break the heat. an hour or so ago daisy was twirling around, trying to get me to go outside with her, and so i finished filling a garbage bag and took her ball and we headed to the park. i lay in the cool grass for a long time after we played and then found myself slowly moving into savasana – the first time i’ve consciously entered into a yoga posture in months. from there i did a few basic postures – feeling embraced by the ground, feeling the space of relief in my body, doing whatever came to mind – and it just felt natural.

i think perhaps that’s why i’ve been a little quiet, lately. i’ve been feeling out, and allowing a space of relief to develop in my life, and not trying to rush it or observe it along. 🙂

fun things:
a spread which i don’t spread on anything, but indulge in by the spoonful
green grapes
finding a pure white feather on the grass
comfortable flip-flops
gorgeous sunny days
mango juice, and my own twist on mango lassi (whole yogurt, mango juice, and kiwis, blended with ice)
jamiroquai’s synkronized album
my new walking buddy (she’s the sassy pink one)
salmon basted with ghee, thyme, pepper and lime juice
cuddle-thons while watching old episodes of torchwood
my new celebrity crush
cafe-au-laits and apricot pastries
plotting my next tattoo
watching the moon through the tree in my bedroom window until i fall asleep, cuddling the dog on one side and the cat on the other
bedhead

and now for the 8 things meme, which meg tagged me to do. just to warn you, though, i don’t tag people anymore (also, i think most people have done this one)…but if you’d like to do it, leave me a comment and i’ll come read your answers. for some reason, lists of things about you, and about me, make me very happy both to read and to write up.

  • We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
  • Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
  • People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.
  • At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and they should read your blog.

1.  i think i’ve mentioned my eccentricity that if nothing else in my house is clean, that my closets have to be; and that i don’t like chests of drawers; but i also don’t like things others than books on my bookshelves, and certain things should be behind doors (like dishes). it’s so weird, actually. i like spaces to be minimalist clean, but my energy is so not minimalist. i collect; and then i purge, over and over, but no matter what state my house is in (i’ve been repotting, so there are traces of dirt on the floor, daisy is chewing on a plastic water bottle, and i could stand to do a load of laundry) my closets are always immaculate.
2. true to form for any music-lover, i have a list of songs i can’t listen to ever again. they are: at last, by etta james; stay with you by john legend; say hello, wave goodbye by david grey; and let you down by the dave matthews band – i almost can’t write them down. it sucks that i can’t listen to them anymore (and i don’t say it lightly – each of these songs can make me nauseous with their associations) because they all are beautiful.
3.  i think i’m going partially deaf. i used to think it was because of all the concerts and parties i went to,  and silly things that i did at those concerts and parties – but then i remembered how hard of hearing my grandfather’s always been, or how my mother and sister had/have the same thing. i don’t handle “white noise” very well, but i’d rather know what you’re saying than not, so i ask a lot of, “i’m sorry, what was that?” i also mumble a fair bit, without realizing i do, which is a little embarrassing.
4.  i will call everyone  i’m super-close to at some point “pook”. i believe i got this from the garfield cartoon and how he called his teddy-bear “pookie”, but other than that, i don’t have any idea how that evolved.
5. i am more than a little addicted to magazines. one of my favourite little treats is to go grab a “fancy coffee” and buy a magazine – the ones that have been grabbing my fancy lately have been the latest issues of bitch, yoga journal, nylon, prairie fire, and fiddlehead. i have a personal policy where i don’t buy any magazine with the word “diet” on the cover. other than that, i like exploring.
6. i have had a thing for pressing buttons ever since i was a kid – the ones on phones, or typewriters, or doorbells. i think this is why most of my jobs in retail have involved cashiering.
7. i would love to create my own line of organic perfumes, and be a custom parfumiere. i would love to get to know people and make them their very own scent, but for not that much money, or on a barter system.
8. i once came in 159th out of 300 (ish) elementary school students in a long-distance race when i stopped to help up this girl who had tripped. i remember being horrified that everyone was just running by and then really embarrassed when the organizers kept hissing at me to keep going. it was also strange, because 3 years later, banane would come in 1st in that same race, for the next 3 years.

so there you have it. i hope this was weird enough. it’s getting definitely harder and harder to know for certain whether i’ve mentioned something on here, so if i’m repeating myself, please forgive me. thank you, megg lovely, this was fun. 🙂

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