to start: not having t.v., not really liking contemporary radio, i can find myself completely unaware of trends. i was pointed to this video from a blog…and i FELL in love.
(another song i am loving is chasing cars, by snow patrol).

i’m sitting in an internet cafe in a part of my neighbourhood i don’t usually frequent. i just shaved my legs and i have to admit, i love the sensation of rubbing them together – that surprising feeling of smoothness. i’ve been wandering in and out of shops for a few hours, and have spoiled myself with a few gifts: this magazine, two artistically-created bowls of cafe au lait, and a container of chocolate lip balm.

it was a rough weekend…lol. because of that botched operation i had years ago, my iron levels are normally low. when a particularly hormonal cycle comes along, i look about 30 years older than i am – grey , haggard, and exhausted – just from something that naturally occurs. it’s no biggie, except that if i don’t pump myself full of red meat, my iron levels drop and i become this psychotic little bunny. field inadvertently touched on two OLD insecurities around the same time that an old friend contacted me for the first time in years…which is odd because the two events happened on the same day, and they’re intimately related.

when i was 19 or 20, i started dating this man who, despite the qualities i originally saw in him, turned out to be rather violent. by the time we broke up, 2 1/2 years later, he had butchered my credit and left me with more than a few wounds to heal. i didn’t date seriously again until the hobbit, 3 years ago…this man, the first long-term relationship i had, almost permanently shattered any trust i could have in men.
the friend who got in touch with me had been my best friend from high school. in the first year of our relationship, my ex’s little brother was living at their family home in the country, and he had his birthday. we invited him to stay at our place in the city and have his celebration with us. he met my friend, they hooked up…they eventually had a child together.
needless to say, when my relationship exploded, my friend and his younger brother were still together, so i lost her friendship.

through the course of our email correspondance, she told me than my ex is getting married next year to a decent woman, who already has a child. this really UPSET me. i hadn’t heard hide no hair of this person since 2001, when i left the place we lived in covered in bruises. he was the one person i couldn’t forgive.

the two events, plus an emotional encounter with my boss where i had to relive the whole, “losing my parents” – “oh, you’re completely aloooooone in the world, how saaaaad” deal i experience every so often – and i lost what footing i thought i had been getting and became an…emotional wreck.

yesterday during a quiet moment in the store (because, of course, i worked all through this) i just put my head down on the counter and wept, asking for help.
and i got it.

there’s this customer i know who came in and praised me for opening the store so punctually. i just laughed at her, because seriously. me? punctual? pfft. (expression borrowed from kristen.) then she said, “well, today you were. yesterday is yesterday. and i find that too many of us carry over the negative energies from our yesterdays.” (picture this spoken in a beautiful, clear-eyed, gentle german accent, and you have my experience.)
i just sort of blinked at her.

the second was also at work. this delightful hasidic customer whom i love (he exudes, once again, this warm gentleness that makes me just want to ask him to hug me for a long time) asked me how to pronounce my name. once i told him, he asked me what it meant. i told him that it meant, “the contrast between light and dark.” (which it does.) he smiled at me, collected his change, and then his soft blue eyes latched onto mine from behind his glasses.
“do you think it suits you?” he asked me. and i laughed a laugh which was somewhere in the realm of sob, and said, “oh, sometimes.”
and he tipped his hat to me and said, “may the good side win.”

and field, god bless/damn him, told me that i was letting the past control me – that now all of the trauma i complain about is my fault, because i live with it and refuse to solve it. and while that’s a bit facile and perhaps a bit harsh, he’s right. (for me, anyway).

today is a new day. and tomorrow is another new one. this moment is a new day. since this weekend was a bit tiring, except for last night when the universe granted me a night full of lullabying rain…i’ve taken today to wake up slowly. read a tree grows in brooklyn. go out for cheeseburgers and then cuddles and then to my favourite enviro shop (where i got the afore-mentioned goodies). then here…and after i post this, i’m going to slowly meander home underneath the rejuvenated sun, and take my miss daisy for her (long-overdue) walk.

and then i think i’m going to make tilapia tacos….

recipe for tilapia tacos:

(as accurate a recipe from me as you’re going to get…unfortunately)
*slice tilapia length-wise into thin strips, then roll until coated lightly in a mixture of spiced polenta (or cornmeal, if you’d like). use whatever spices you prefer in the polenta – i like cumin and summer savory.
*cook 2-3 minutes each side.
*warm up soft flatbread…and garnish with avocado, tomato, cucumber, tzatziki, fresh mint, and hot sauce. plus any other veggies you have that you may think will work. and cheese.

lol. see, how exact i am when i cook?

p.s. i’ve been thinking a lot lately about the unnecessary rules i create for myself, (“i will never (fill in the blank)!” i will always (fill in the blank)!”) and in another instance of serendipity, the universe dropped this essay from patti in my lap.