i wrote the last post in the muddle of emotions i was feeling, and took a few days to think before i wrote my father back.

what i don’t think i made clear in the last post (but THANK YOU ALL so much for your beautiful concern and words of encouragement….i’m completely humbled) is how STRONG i feel now. it’s absolutely clear to me that i made the right decision by cutting the cobwebs of school from my body. since my hospitalization and the fixing of my dosage, space has opened up in me…i’m sleeping more, restoring. my mind is back. as i’ve been telling people, i feel more like myself than i have in years. it’s true. i feel more like myself than i have in years, and i say this after FEELING this way for a few weeks.

i’m loving being on my own. walking my dog to the park wrapped up in my hoodie, taking bottles of herbal tea with me and going barefoot in the grass so i can feel every soft blade. curling up on my couch at the end of the day with a good book and my two babies (who have reached inter-species peace, FINALLY) sleeping on me. spending time with friends. joy is filling each cell.

what’s nice about this feeling is that i also have experienced sadness through it, and anger, and through tonglen, have aerated it. i’m coming into myself. and i like myself a lot. i still have a bit of pain (mostly from the same hip, i’ve started to call it “sad hip” because every time i write “sad hip” i giggle) and i feel a helluva lot wiser than the last time i felt this way…more solid.
field says, too, that i’m acting more like a little kid than i have in a while. 😀

that’s why i thought it appropriate that my father contacted me a few days ago – because i’m finally ready, in a good enough space, to deal with him. i’m okay with that. i want to approach the situation in a way where i can protect myself, but also not hurt him – be gentle.

i am reading a book right now that is blowing my brain, and my heart, and my senses, completely out of the water. it’s john steinbeck’s east of eden. (check out my links.)
has anybody ever read this book? i have read a lot and this book might be the most incredible thing i’ve ever read…it’s definitely tied for first place, anyway.

“The Salinas Valley is in Northern California. It is a long, narrow swale between two ranges of mountains, and the Salinas River winds and twists up the center until it falls at last into Monterey Bay.
I remember my childhood names for grasses and secret flowers. I remember where a toad may live and what time the birds awaken in the summer – and what trees and seasons smelled like – how people looked and walked and smelled even. The memory of odors is very rich.”

(the first two paragraphs. from that point, my mind and heart was like a ground parched for water and this book was sweet rain.)

words cannot express how this book is bowling me over. i don’t want to finish it – i wish i could read it continuously and never stop.
so good.

it grows late in the morning and it is the exact right weather for a ramble. i will be checking in with everyone shortly, and in the meantime, i send you my love.

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