“I Feel It All”
(by Feist)
I feel it all I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide the wings are wide
Wild card inside wild card insideOh I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one to hold the gun I know more than I knew before
I know more than I knew before
I didn’t rest I didn’t stop
Did we fight or did we talkOh I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one to hold the gunI love you more
I love you more
I don’t know what I knew before
But now I know I’m wanna win the war
No one likes to take a test
Sometimes you know more is less
Put your weight against the door
Kick drum on the basement floor
Stranded in a fog of words
Loved him like a winter bird
On my head the water pours
Gulf stream through the open door
Fly away
Fly away to what you want to make
I feel it all, I feel it all
I feel it all I feel it all
The wings are wide, the wings are wide
Wild card inside, wild card inside
Oh I’ll be the one to break my heart
I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll be the one who’ll break my heart
I’ll end it thought you started it
The truth lies
The truth lied
And lies divide
Lies divide
this is going to be such a different post than i’d originally intended to write, whatever that was.
i’m the type of person who, when she decides she’s going to do something, is immediately hit with an avalanche of things illustrating her commitment. today was the day that i was going to start “cleaning up” – and i guess i am, in ways that i wasn’t expecting.
{mental note to self = remember to EXACTLY word what you petition the universe for}.
i’m going to work backwards, actually. from what most recently happened to the farthest past.
my father emailed me.
for some reason, trying to think of an explanation for why this is such a big deal for people who may not know, made tears heat up behind my eyes. i was a complete and utter daddy’s girl when i was a young one, and when he left – it just broke my heart. i remember standing in the driveway, sobbing, as he backed his car out, with all the things i’d helped him pack tucked safely in his trunk. i was 7. what i had no idea about, of course, was how out-of-touch he was, and remains.
i’m trying to be fair in my depiction of him, although i know that many people completely despise him. the facts are that he turned me into a messenger during the most messy bits of their messy divorce; he was being unfaithful to my mother when he left her; he was an emotionally abusive control freak. believe me, i’m not saying that lightly.
this is a man who refuses to eat more than half a meal a day because he’s afraid he’ll gain weight. a few years ago, after he moved to costa rica, and banane and i were visiting, he offered us the advice that we better stop eating as much as we did and start exercising more, “because no man in his right mind would want a woman who’s over 30 with a body that looks that way.”
there is so much more. there’s the little girl inside of me who wants to love him, but who gets hurt – deeply – every time she stays open to it.
the last time we spoke (after this, i told him in no uncertain terms i needed a break) i was telling him about my hospitalization, and about my physiotherapy for my c.p.
he said he didn’t understand why i let things affect me so deeply, when he had always been able to brush things off…and he said he didn’t understand why i needed physio – my c.p. wasn’t that bad, after all. keep it in perspective!
for me, that was not what i needed to hear from him, at that moment. and after years of repeated hurt (on both ends) i chose to ask him for some space. my thought was that i didn’t want or need toxicity in my life. and he, unfortunately, was toxic to me in ways i can’t explain, even to myself.
but he is a control freak…he hates not being able to direct what’s happening, so even though the last time we wrote, i asked him to wait until i was ready, he sent me an email tonight. asking me to tell him, once again, what he did wrong, and wanting me to tell him if i was single or involved, if i had taken time off school…
even though that sounds so innocent, everything in me froze. i’ve really had to deal with some uncomfortable realizations about our relationship, and i guess i have to deal with it now…although i wish he had just respected the boundary i was so careful to put up. life is messy.
the second thing, that happened just before this, is that daisy had a panic attack. poor wee thing. (well, actually, now she’s a comfortable 72 pounds.) i took her collar off to put a little bell on it, and the second i took the collar off, (it was the first thing i put on her, at the s.p.c.a) she started to whine and jump for it, nipping at it when she could grab it, her eyes wide and rolling back in her head. i sat on the couch so i could put the bell on, and she lay across me, whimpering, and then when i put the collar back on, she needed a full body hug for about five minutes.
honestly, i absorb energy VERY easily, and twenty minutes later, i’m still reeling from the impact. she was terrified i was taking her back there.
i spent all day on facebook. holy crack, batman. i just signed up yesterday, and i think i already have to set ground-rules for myself. as in, “only twice a week, for x amount of hours.”
there is strange energy in the air lately. i always feel like such a new-agey hippie when i admit that i feel that, but there is. i’m not sure what it is, but there are some intense boats rocking. it’s raining again, and i always think that, as rain brings a new weather front, that it will bring another emotional front too. i wonder what it will be.
16 comments
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June 5 2007 at 9:34 pm
Shaz
This hit me extremely hard today I am in tears for what reason I am not sure. I am a little shocked and confused at why and I know this is your post and your shout out but it has me a little st back. Thinking of you obviously and I am going to have to come back and re read to make sense of this feeling but Love to you sweet girl. xxx
June 5 2007 at 9:42 pm
bee
shaz… 😦
((HUG)) i hope you’re okay. i didn’t mean to upset you, dear one.
June 5 2007 at 10:25 pm
Kristen
I love Feist so much – her words really resonate with me. I hope you reach some resolution with your dad and I wish I had some sage words of wisdom to offer but I don’t. Just know that you have your answers within you my friend. You are a wise, beautiful woman who knows her heart. xoxo
June 5 2007 at 11:03 pm
Loralee
Man. I hate complicated Daddy issues. I know all about them. You don’t deserve it in your life and I am so sorry.
P.S
Loved the song. I’m going to have to explore her music now! 🙂
June 6 2007 at 12:21 am
ceanandjen
Oh sweet you, remember that strength you spoke of earlier today? USE IT NOW. If you are not in a space where you feel you want to communicate with your father, then don’t. You are settling into such a good place right now and you have been working to take good care of yourself…continue on that path, whatever that looks like for you. Okay, enough preaching. 😉
Your poor pooch. 😦 I hope that you are both much calmer now.
And hurrah for facebook, huh? he he
Love you…have sweet dreams.
xoxoxo
June 6 2007 at 8:16 am
shaz
Okay I am pretty sure that I am just angry at your dads treatment and why he doesn’t see what he has, simply in you as a person let alone a daughter.
I think I miss my dad as you do your mum and that song I do love it so much it just hit me like a brick today.I also love how you love and love that your so intune with your pooch.
Sweet Bee xx
Sending you many thoughts many hugs and much Love.
June 6 2007 at 1:40 pm
daisies
oh honey … i have no wise words to extoll in terms of daddy issues only i kiss the air around me in blessing that my parents are so fu*king amazing and any issues we had developed were minimal and resolved oh so long ago … i do however have words and thought and energy of love and care and strength … i am in such a good place that i can hardly even believe it myself, everything in my world sparkles with beauty, everything in my life feels more right than i could ever have imagined ~ its like a door has opened and all the good energy has whooshed into me in a big way, so big and i have so much of it to spread around so … have just closed my eyes and pictured you and am pushing some of that energy your way ~ i hope it reaches you … i love you my darling, oh so much!! xox
June 6 2007 at 6:10 pm
Meg
What a very honest post. My thoughts are coming your way, all positive ones, and reassuring ones. I hope you are okay!!
June 7 2007 at 11:54 am
amy
i’m sorry that you’re dealing with this; i’ve such sympathy for you. sending you clarity, love and strength.
June 7 2007 at 11:41 pm
DebR
What Jen said. If your father didn’t respect your request, then I don’t see why you really have to deal with him at this point beying saying “you didn’t do what I asked and I’m not ready to have you in my life again yet.” Just my opinion, but I’ll put it out there for what it’s worth.
Poor Daisy. I’m glad you realized so quickly what was scaring her so you could have some cuddle time.
June 8 2007 at 6:12 am
Vanessa
I think I know exactly what you were trying to achieve by asking your dad to give you some space. A break. A period to be able to think clearly without having to report back. That kind of freedom from someone THAT big in our life is precious and it is so unfortunate that he failed to respect it. It sucks actually as it must have been quite a setback for you. I hope you find a way to deal with it that is not too hard on you, and I hope he can find a way to give you some space and peace.
And, Daisy… poor vulnerable thing. I’m so glad she has you and you are so in tune with her, girl.
Thinking of you 🙂
Vx
June 8 2007 at 7:19 am
krista
Ah, what would Pema Do?
It’s the worst when family weaves their way into your consciousness.
Boundaries are like children sometimes. They need to be reminded and reminded and reminded.
I am beginning to think that people like us (whom have extreme states that are sometimes labelled as mental illness) have deeper feelers for things like energy in the air. This senstivity to the world sometimes gets us in trouble, locked up, drugged, whatever. yet, other times it this sensitivity gives us insight, drive, intuition and creativity that is intense and powerful.
I used to feel worried about being too new agey sometimes, but mostly now I just see it as part of my sensitivity to the world. It’s part of my dangerous gift.
Love to you bee.
June 8 2007 at 9:06 am
Melba
Even though I don’t know the whole back story I understand about your dad and how much it sucks not to have a proper parental relationship.
I ‘m sending you some love and balance.
XO,
Melba
June 8 2007 at 10:29 am
j
1. Feist rocks;
2. What did you do? Did you write back to him??
June 8 2007 at 7:27 pm
colorsonmymind
Oh honey-I am sorry he didn’t respect your boundaries. I am sending you a big long 5 minute hug for you-and your baby.
XOXOXO
June 12 2007 at 3:40 pm
Amber
I hear your strong voice, even through the pain. I think you need to tell him EXACTLY what he did do. Just hand it to him, and let him deal with it– or not deal with it. But get it out of you. YOU were the child. No matter what you might have done over the years that you think has been hurtful to him…how can I put this…wait a minute…wait a minute…Oh, yes! Fuck it. Again, YOU were the child he left. He is the parent who hurts his child. Period. He should man up an deal with your truth. And if he can’t, well, fine. But YOU need to put it down.
Just because people are our parents, this dose not mean they are good for us. You KNOW I know what I am talking about. Boundaries and emotional space, baby. That is what it is all about. And it hurts…but often not as bad as having them in our lives. It is all part of really growing up, and becoming. Becoming.
Oh. And AS a new-agey chick (and what is wrong with that??), I totally get the energy in the air.
🙂