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Morning Poem

Every morning
the world
is created.

Under the orange

sticks of the sun
the heaped
ashes of the night
turn into leaves again

and fasten themselves to the high branches —
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands

of summer lilies.
If it is your nature
to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails

for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere.
And if your spirit
carries within it
the thorn
that is heavier than lead —

if it’s all you can do
to keep on trudging —
there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted —

each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
every morning,
whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.

from Dream Work (1986) by Mary Oliver

thank you to jen, for the link i had not yet used…. yesterday, i was walking to the gym (and i need to start taking pictures of my neighbourhood – i don’t know if it’s me, but i’m finding it breath-takingly beautiful…) and i heard this voice saying,“why don’t you allow yourself to be great?”

i know i thought it, but it seemed so much to come from somewhere else that i literally stopped and looked around. then i rolled those thoughts around in my mind for a while.

i am a huge procrastinator. huge. right now, i am finding it hard to buckle down to the essay that i got that extension on…even though i’m actually rested enough, and really interested in the material i have to do research on.

the fact is, is that there are a million things in the world that are intriguing to me right now – i have so many artistic ideas simmering that i just want.to.start.them.right.now – but university is this promise that i made to myself, a long time ago, and by ducking the work i have to do, i’m pushing myself into the do-everything-fast-and-half-assed corner that i hate.

notice that i am blogging?

i think, even though that i say i want to be good at what i do, i am actually more scared of succeeding than i am of failure.
as though by failing, it will reinforce some sort of negative internal dialogue that wants to stay reinforced.

i resolve to take this on. i resolve to take on the tasks i have laid out for myself with a gentle discipline…i will do my reading on the balcony…with some freshly brewed coffee and my dog, not to mention my cat, who often thinks that i don’t love him anymore…

i will celebrate those little things that make me me (wearing the same pet-hair covered outfit for five days in a row because i need to do laundry, stumbling out on our walk with the most incredible case of gym/bed head you’ve EVER seen, blogging a bit too long) and then i will heartfully cultivate those qualities i want to have (discipline, work ethic, punctuality)- like planting seeds in rich soil.

the thought occurred to me yesterday, too, that not every spirit gets born into a body. do you realize the magic that culminated in bringing you here? what have you learned – what do you want to impart – who has touched you – who have you touched?
i really like that thought – each one of us is so special. we didn’t have to be born, but we were. why? why are we who we are, rather than someone else? what made the universe say…
“the world needs a 5’4 3/4” woman who loves to write and has a gutter sense of humour, who loves kids and animals and caffeine and her friends, who is way too sensitive sometimes but who is great in a crisis…who is a good cook but a shitty housekeeper…who searches for spirituality and meaning in everything…who loves comedies and cuddling and is a bit vain and sometimes a bit obnoxious. we need her.”

it’s become more clear to me lately that we’re all here for a reason. who knows why, or what for – i don’t even necessarily think that we figure that out. i just think it’s a beautiful thing that we get to share each other’s journeys.

thanks and love to you from the bottom of my soul.