1.  watching orange and pink tulips unfold in a vase on my desk.
  2. listening to quite a bit of amy winehouse and miles davis.
  3. working on a poetry manuscript for my workshop that i’m worrying a bit too much over. would you like a copy? let me know, and i’ll send it to you.
  4. going to bed ridiculously early – like at 9:30 early. following my body’s rhythms as closely as i can, and with as much mindfulness as i can muster.
  5. taking my dog to the dog parks around my neighbourhood and making play dates for her.
  6. loving the sunshine. and the spring.
  7. thinking a bit too much – about things i wish i was finished thinking about.
  8. deciding i want to live here for another year- if only because i don’t want to uproot again.
  9. missing yoga.
  10. wearing my pajamas all day while i work from home.
  11. steeling myself for just one more week of being tired and over-perfectionistic and studious. ONE. MORE. WEEK.
  12. deciding once and for all that grad school is, if it accepts me, in my future.
  13. promising to be a better blogger very shortly. (i am dismayed!)
  14. sending my love to each and every one of you.
  15. wishing i could write a better post, but right now i feel like all the words are jammed and in a big knot in the middle of my chest. i need to open my heart chakra, it seems.

….i came back a little later restless with this post and wanting to rewrite it, but instead i will add. i feel like i am not living life the way it was meant to be lived – full-throttle, engaged with every last morsel. i like the idea that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, but at what point did i become afraid?

i feel like i am afraid of living at the moment – that i am stockpiling things (a dog, two cats, bills, an apartment and its upkeep, etc.) and emotions (a resistance to letting my romantic feelings for someone fully release, for one) stand in the way of LIFE. the thought crossed my mind yesterday, on one of my walks with daisy, that by holding onto some fixed idea of the way things SHOULD BE, i am not allowing the fulfilment of how things were MEANT TO BE take place. and i want that.

there is some truth to the buddhist ideal that all suffering comes from attachment. i want i want i want.

there is a fabulous pema chodron story that i read again recently about her first remembered experience with buddhism. (i’ve googled it and googled it and i can’t find it, so once again, i’m going to paraphrase)…she was six, and disappointed about something, so was walking down the street with her head hanging and scuffing the dirt with her shoe. a grandmother called to her across the way, “honey…don’t let life harden you so early.”
i feel like life has hardened me in a way that i don’t want. i want to open to it – the full crazy chaotic beauty of it – and yet, i’m scared. my heart bruises so easily.

i feel like the universe is asking me to grow, telling me it’s time to shed my old skin, and because i’m resisting – everything is hurting.

if i choose to let go, what’s the worst that could happen? i live a more authentic life…doesn’t sound so bad.

gah. mind feels like it will explode soon. time for some hot chocolate and the last king of scotland.

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