all righty, then.
morning pages were a complete and absolute bust. 0/7. i can’t face the pages. i don’t want to see what comes out. i have a feeling i know what will come out, and i’ve heard it all before. however, this desire to deny is doing wonders, as field once again commented on my uber-sensitivity tonight (my tendency to sob at the drop of a hat never goes unnoticed with him, drat it) and we got into a semi-discussion about depression. wheee! no thank you.
i can’t explain my stubbornness regarding the pages, except for my mind is full of the spectre of school, and the hating-of-my-job, and what-will-i-do-this-summer, and money?-what’s-that?
and i feel like i’m becoming a broken record to myself, and others. (sorry, to those of you who read regularly and this is what you’ve shown up for.)
i really do try and put a positive slant on most things. i am behind in school, true. and probably a little burned out. but it won’t be that much longer now and i’ll be able to sleep for a solid week. i can deal.
i’m working with a bit of a mental block which is this: i have a lot of stuff i need to do, and none of it’s getting done. i am trying to break it down into little steps, but i am never good at maintenance. so. i am becoming less present in my body as my mind wanders, and goes numb from fatigue…
um. my walk never really happened. i did lots of bitty walks, but no big rambles, even though i had them planned. see above.
my date? going to the gym and working out. seriously, i felt so much better as my muscles strained and i broke a sweat. i only ran for 5 minutes…but whatever. i took a sauna and then went out for peanut butter tofu and chinese tea afterwards. my fortune cookie read: you will always have good luck and overcome many hardships. i grinned at the irony.
and so….right now i’m all about grounding myself in gratefulness. 25 great-full things, to be exact.
- that i am going to look at a very old camera tomorrow that a woman who is moving to india might sell me.
- a great pyrenees named henry that i met on my way home from the gym today. he was so quiet and gentle, just this gigantic bear of a dog with the sweetest eyes.
- field. really, my love for that man is so complex and yet pure, and completely overwhelming/fulfilling. he is my touchstone, and my best friend, and i never thought i would be able to have a relationship with anyone the way i do with him.
- my blog. seriously, i have met so many wonderful people through starting up my own on-line journal, and have followed their links to even more inspiring people – and i have started the intimidating process of being totally honest with myself in front of strangers who became close friends and believing mirrors….it’s no joke when i say that my ‘blogging friends’ come up in regular conversation with the ‘blogging’ taken out of the label, and that i think of all of you on a daily basis, sending my wee bit of thanks your way.
- wicked. what an incredibly yummy read.
- remembering how healing it is to sweat. being able to compare the restless feeling i endured early this afternoon with the peaceful joy i felt on my walk home was so. nice.
- coffee in the morning, yerba mate at night, with chai in between.
- listening to a bit of cbc radio this morning, for the first time in a while.
- the thought of travelling a little this summer. i’m not sure where yet, or even if i’ll go, but it feels nice to my soul.
- my sister, who called to touch base. (and that weird moment where we both yelled ‘base!’ to each other, and laughed for several minutes afterwards.)
- sleep. actual sleep. with no nightmares or stress-induced lockjaw.
- my plants, and how they stick with me, even when i’m not good to them.
- being told i’m wonderful.
- going to see the bridge to terabithia this week. (i have to. i just – i just have to. the book changed MY LIFE, i have to see the movie.)
- making new friends.
- hugs at work. from more than one person.
- animals in general.
- the idea of making art.
- the idea of moving into my authentic life.
- stretching.
- organic strawberries.
- mint chocolate.
- lush.
- running barefoot back and forth across the hardwood floors of my apartment.
- seeing the black ghostie of my cat every so often.
again, i feel as though i haven’t been present at your blogs as much recently – i have been trying to make visits, but i am just mega-tired and i can’t seem to summon energy. i will be there, i wish you all the best, and much love and creativity this week.
13 comments
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March 19 2007 at 10:58 pm
krista
yes, sweating. Maybe that’s what I need too- and about the morning pages, I am in the same place as you. I think this week I stopped writing them because I didn’t want to hear what I was saying. Ick.
March 20 2007 at 12:24 am
JanePoe (aka Deborah)
Ah dear Bee … glad to see the list of gratitude – good for you girl!! The rest will work itself out if you keep that focus.
Much peace & love my dear, JP
March 20 2007 at 12:32 am
DebR
I love your list…wonderful things to feel grateful about. Love you, sweetie~~~~
March 20 2007 at 5:57 am
Shaz
I feel very fatigued and unproductive also. I will have to write a list as well, its hard when you promise yourself things and break those promises, but everyday is a new day and I believe we have to try and live without guilt and regret, forgiveness is the key.
You rock Sweet !!!
March 20 2007 at 7:46 am
Martha
Love your list! A wonderful 25!
March 20 2007 at 9:09 am
kerry
bee i found this post of yours so uplifting. i hear what you were saying in your previous post and your words about just not wanting to do something – and yet then you produced such a sweet and lovely list of things that make you smile! it made me smile to read it. i hope that list keeps growing for you, i hope you get to experience many of those 25 very soon as often as possible. your kind heart deserves them.
March 20 2007 at 3:29 pm
scott
Hey sorry I have not been around for a while. It has been tough to stay in touch with everyone’s switch over to blogger beta which is now The New Blogger.
Loved your list. Hope that things are okay and that you are still writing.
Scott
March 20 2007 at 3:41 pm
daisies
i loved your list sweetie … wicked was wonderful, i have and love all his books, sweating is diving and am loving the way it makes me feel too … you should come here and stay with us in our wee house and we’ll drive up to the mountains on a girly trip, seriously consider it 🙂
love you
hugs
March 20 2007 at 4:56 pm
becoming amethyst
wishing you much love and creativity this week, sweet bee. be gentle with yourself
(((hugs)))
x x x x x
March 20 2007 at 8:03 pm
kristen
I LOVE your grateful list and I also love LUSH. Like you, I’ve been procrastination girl, pfft. Here’s to a better week fo accomplishments for us both! xo
March 20 2007 at 11:32 pm
Mardougrrl
That is a wonderful gratitude list…I loved it. And I also love your writing style…I connected to so much of what you were saying, about depression and everything else. I have been there. Stay strong and be good to yourself (and i just requested the “living your yoga” book thanks to seeing you mention it on another blog, so thanks!)
March 21 2007 at 7:47 am
GeL (Emerald Eyes)
Dear Bee,
I adapted the mps (morn pages) to occur any time of the day and changed what their focus is to be like doodling and or sketching for me + words, but not “fill the page with the crap that runs through my mind.” Like you and some others in our FW group, I have found if I write about “stuff” bothering me, that does NOT “release the negativity”. Instead, it eats away at me. So, I like a fresh start to the day and have always loved doodling. In my sketchbook just for FW, I let my mind roam for inspiraton and fun in FEELING the strokes. That is more freeing than anything.
Hey, that artist date at the gym helped you feel good. That’s super. And your list of great-full things. Cool! I also enjoyed the book Wicked and the play. It’s the only broadway t-shirt I own.
Hope this week goes well. We’re here to support you. 🙂
March 21 2007 at 6:53 pm
Mamalooper
I was able to spend some time sweating in a eucalyptus steam room yesterday and it was sooooo heavenly. Found it inspiring, almost like it unlodged some block in me that would allow me to finally get rolling on FW.
I am only at the first week but what stuck with me the most so far was the idea of “just do the next right thing”. That small step. That tiny gesture.