all righty, then.

morning pages were a complete and absolute bust. 0/7. i can’t face the pages. i don’t want to see what comes out. i have a feeling i know what will come out, and i’ve heard it all before. however, this desire to deny is doing wonders, as field once again commented on my uber-sensitivity tonight (my tendency to sob at the drop of a hat never goes unnoticed with him, drat it) and we got into a semi-discussion about depression. wheee! no thank you. 
i can’t explain my stubbornness regarding the pages, except for my mind is full of the spectre of school, and the hating-of-my-job, and what-will-i-do-this-summer, and money?-what’s-that? 
and i feel like i’m becoming a broken record to myself, and others. (sorry, to those of you who read regularly and this is what you’ve shown up for.)
i really do try and put a positive slant on most things. i am behind in school, true. and probably a little burned out. but it won’t be that much longer now and i’ll be able to sleep for a solid week. i can deal.  

i’m working with a bit of a mental block which is this: i have a lot of stuff i need to do, and none of it’s getting done. i am trying to break it down into little steps, but i am never good at maintenance. so. i am becoming less present in my body as my mind wanders, and goes numb from fatigue…

um. my walk never really happened. i did lots of bitty walks, but no big rambles, even though i had them planned. see above.
my date? going to the gym and working out. seriously, i felt so much better as my muscles strained and i broke a sweat. i only ran for 5 minutes…but whatever. i took a sauna and then went out for peanut butter tofu and chinese tea afterwards. my fortune cookie read: you will always have good luck and overcome many hardships. i grinned at the irony.

and so….right now i’m all about grounding myself in gratefulness. 25 great-full things, to be exact.

  1. that i am going to look at a very old camera tomorrow that a woman who is moving to india might sell me.
  2. a great pyrenees named henry that i met on my way home from the gym today. he was so quiet and gentle, just this gigantic bear of a dog with the sweetest eyes.
  3. field. really, my love for that man is so complex and yet pure, and completely overwhelming/fulfilling. he is my touchstone, and my best friend, and i never thought i would be able to have a relationship with anyone the way i do with him.
  4. my blog. seriously, i have met so many wonderful people through starting up my own on-line journal, and have followed their links to even more inspiring people – and i have started the intimidating process of being totally honest with myself in front of strangers who became close friends and believing mirrors….it’s no joke when i say that my ‘blogging friends’ come up in regular conversation with the ‘blogging’ taken out of the label, and that i think of all of you on a daily basis, sending my wee bit of thanks your way.
  5. wicked. what an incredibly yummy read.
  6. remembering how healing it is to sweat. being able to compare the restless feeling i endured early this afternoon with the peaceful joy i felt on my walk home was so. nice.
  7. coffee in the morning, yerba mate at night, with chai in between.
  8. listening to a bit of cbc radio this morning, for the first time in a while.
  9. the thought of travelling a little this summer. i’m not sure where yet, or even if i’ll go, but it feels nice to my soul.
  10. my sister, who called to touch base. (and that weird moment where we both yelled ‘base!’ to each other, and laughed for several minutes afterwards.)
  11. sleep. actual sleep. with no nightmares or stress-induced lockjaw.
  12. my plants, and how they stick with me, even when i’m not good to them.
  13. being told i’m wonderful.
  14. going to see the bridge to terabithia this week. (i have to. i just – i just have to. the book changed MY LIFE, i have to see the movie.)
  15. making new friends.
  16. hugs at work. from more than one person.
  17. animals in general.
  18. the idea of making art.
  19. the idea of moving into my authentic life.
  20. stretching.
  21. organic strawberries.
  22. mint chocolate.
  23. lush.
  24. running barefoot back and forth across the hardwood floors of my apartment.
  25. seeing the black ghostie of my cat every so often.

again, i feel as though i haven’t been present at your blogs as much recently – i have been trying to make visits, but i am just mega-tired and i can’t seem to summon energy. i will be there, i wish you all the best, and much love and creativity this week.