it’s 3:33 pm. and i make a wish.

restlessness makes my stomach jump and talk to me in tongues.
i woke up late today – i shut off my alarm at 7 and had no idea that i was so exhausted i’d wake up, naturally, 4 hours later. when i oversleep, no matter if i need it, i always feel cranky and like my day’s wasted – so it’s been a bit of a challenge getting myself started today. i spent a few hours with my book and a pot of coffee, but i need to expend some energy before i can work on my essay, so i’m waiting for a shot of wheatgrass to thaw and then i’m going to head to the y to run for a bit. and soak in a sauna.

i was supposed to buy a 30-year-old camera today from a woman who’s moving to india. i changed the appointment until tomorrow. i am supposed to have dinner with friends at this amazing vegan restaurant i’ve never been to. i might have to cop out of that, too. i have a friend visiting from ottawa tomorrow and i need to write a 6 page essay, clean my apartment, and start a story that’s due on wednesday. the essay was due LAST wednesday.

my body is buzzing. what is it trying to tell me, i wonder? get outside, get outside, get outside. outside my bedroom window the sky is white. the snowdrifts are blinding. women in drawstring inuit hoods wander the sidewalks. the asphalt is wet, washed clean. there are only a few cars. i want a lover to cup my face and stroke the line of my jaw, to take my hand and say, “let’s go for a walk and talk a while. that will settle you.” winter makes me crave companionship – but i HAVE companionship.

it’s been nice being by myself lately – that’s what i mean, i’ve been relaxing into my own companionship. my inner critic has gone on vaycay, and i’m currently hammering a little sign in my psyche that says ‘no vacancy. criticism is out of style.’ seriously, except for my entrenched procrastination and bad money habits, none of my personality quirks are worth giving myself an ulcer over.

how satisfying is that to say? and actually mean?

right now, though, panic is slowly rising in my throat. so i must accomplish something and get it out of the way.

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