why do you stay in prison
when the door is so wide open?

this past week has been more full of happenings than most, and i’m going to try and detail it all here, emotional and otherwise…for posterity, and other reasons.

on thursday, field came over, and for the first time in months, we hung out for hours. uninterrupted hours. and for the first time in months, we were us, although to be fair i hadn’t realized that the ‘us’ we had been being wasn’t the us we had been. 

we hugged, we cuddled and watched cartoons, ate pie a la mode and laughed at weird inside jokes. we read each other’s minds and finished each other’s sentences. it was beautiful, but it raised an interesting question in my mind.
this was the intimacy between us that i had been craving and dreaming of for months, which i thought he was too busy to give, due to the craziness of his own life. it turns out, (like my heart had been worried all along, and pushing against) that he was willing and able to give it if it didn’t have the emotional label of ‘romantic relationship’ attached.

 realization #1😦uncomfortable realizations in bold) for one split second, i was willing to go back to the lonely theoretical of our relationship, if it meant i could call myself his ‘girlfriend’ again. i thought that, and i said to myself, bee, if that isn’t an indication that you need some time by yourself, i don’t know what is.

realization #2
: (that i knew before but am really trying to face this time) i hate being alone -being ‘single’. there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it, but i think that somewhere inside i think there’s something wrong with me. yes, of course there are expectations that come with relationships, expectations and work to be done – but it doesn’t have to be too difficult. it doesn’t have to drain…my philosophy is ‘you know what i need, and try to give it to me, and i’ll do the same.’

friday i cried a lot. thursday was so reassuring that i woke up the day after and thought of our kids, the kids we talked about having, once, and even went so far as to name. it’s like i could see them – this four-year-old girl with pig tails, wearing a white dress; a stubborn and sensitive toddler boy. i thought of the marriage i was prepared/preparing to have with him, and i mourned the shared writer’s study, the vegetable garden out back, our walks after sunset in our neighbourhood.
a friend showed up that night from ottawa to save me from myself and we ordered pizza in, watched kung fu movies, and talked.

saturday i skipped out on work early, to watch dvds of sex and the city and eat oreos on my couch. i figure you can’t get any more “break-up” than that, and it was actually really soothing to watch four women go through many of the same things i (felt i was) going through. how you can love someone with your whole heart, and be in love with them so much that it spills out of your whole self – and that’s still not enough. or maybe not ‘not enough’ but not right.

whoever finds love
beneath hurt and grief
disappears into emptiness
with a thousand new disguises.

i met my friend at the bus station at 9 and we took a bus back to ottawa. we went straight to a party and i stayed there for an hour or so before agreeing to meet up with my friends who lived on the other side of town – they were going to start walking the same time i did, and we would meet up in the middle.

maybe it’s just that i’m used to living in montreal now, (where there was a gang-related shooting three blocks from my house in the summer), but i wasn’t afraid to walk, at 1 in the morning, through downtown streets. i felt fully relaxed – and cocooned – the city had just had a huge snowfall the day before, so it was warm, and little gusts of wind picked up flakes and whirled them in the air like i was in a snowglobe. christmas lights were blinking blue red green blue all around me, suspended in the velvet dark, and the moon was full. i followed it all along wellington street until i met up with my friends.

we went back to the house that i always go back to when i think of ‘going home’ now. big t’s and k’s house. and everybody (except for me) was drinking beer and talking….we were so happy and hyper at being reunited that we just kept laughing for a few hours. then, around 3:30, one of my best friends turned to me and said, “i’ve got my mom’s car until tomorrow at 2, and i want to take a roadtrip.”

angell and i have been friends for 6 years, about, and you should witness the craziness that we can inspire in each other if we are so inclined. within literally a minute and a half, we had hatched a plan to drive aaron and jess, (who were down from newmarket to visit, which is a 6 1/2 hour drive away) BACK home. we figured we could drive them back to newmarket, have time for a quick diner breakfast, and get immediately back on the road to ottawa and be back by 2.

by 4 we were on the road, the four of us. i have never drunk so many tim hortons’ coffees in my LIFE in one go. (that’s a canadian fastfood coffee that, i SWEAR, has crack in it.) tim hortons coffees, donuts, (so many), wendy’s cheeseburgers, frostees – i didn’t care about health at all in that weird 12 hour span. i just ate when i got hungry and made sure to stay stimulated. we got to newmarket by 10 am (by this point, i hadn’t slept since the day before at 6:30) and had time to go to the bathroom, jess burned me a lemonjelly cd for the ride back, and angell and i jumped back in the car.

by 2, i was one cracked-OUT little monkey. i had been living in the same outfit for a few days and needed to SLEEP. which i did. profusely. i stayed an extra night in ottawa until monday afternoon, then hopped a bus back and had to take the metro straight to class.

realization #3: sometimes the love you think you need from one person, in one form, can be given to you in forms you never expected. you just have to remain open to the possibility that just maybe, you don’t know what’s best for yourself….and the universe does.

your way begins on the other side.
become the sky.
take an axe to the prison wall.
walk out like somebody born into colour.
do it now.