do you know how embarrassing it is for me to cry in public?
right now i’m sitting in an internet cafe because my internet service is down (if you don’t see me on your blogs for a while that’s why – there’s been ANOTHER mix-up with my provider and it might be a while before i can surf luxuriously again – but i’m thinking of all of you and sending me love.)
i need to ask for help. please, please, please, please please pray for me and send me good thoughts. i’m going to try and explain why without giving away too much information.
i have a fucked-up relationship with alcohol. i’m an alcoholic – but not the stereotypical kind, whatever that is – the kind where i can drink for weeks and months and be fine, but then something will click and i’ll go stark raving psychotic for a night. that night will and usually does cost me friends, my reputation, whatever.|
years ago, psychiatrists tried to tell me i had a substance abuse problem, but at the time i wasn’t really into the idea of giving one of my favourite defense mechanisms up, and i laughed it off.
a couple months ago, a night like that happened, with field. and he’d never seen me get like that. and he got really hurt, and walls went up around his heart where i was concerned.
ironically, that night was all about how i was worried about him.
he got back from barbados this weekend and has had a lot of time to think. we’re both living difficult lives right now and he thinks he might need a break. which breaks my heart. i think i begged him just not to say that we were over, which he didn’t reply to.
this month has probably been the all-around crappiest of my life. yes, i can appreciate it for the lessons it gave me, but living it sucked. it took me a while to figure out that i was in a depression, but once i did, holy god, did i realize i had been living in it for a while. then that pain hit – which it always does, right before i start my period, but my period was a week early so it threw me off – and the pain lasted for a week. then my body had this insane stress response the day before field left: skin peeling off, rashes, and definitely feeling like whatever sort of mind i had left i’d completely lost. then my partner went away for a week and a half and now – this.
it was funny (in the ha-ha sad way) because just yesterday i was thinking (and having a TRUE woe-is-me moment) that i can’t take care of myself. this experiment of mine has failed. the more stressed out i’ve gotten over the past week, the more my appetite has disappeared and my diet reverted to its main food group of coffee. (which, owing to the horrible sleep i’ve been getting, is the only thing keeping me alive.) apparently, i’m not on top of my bills enough to make sure they get paid – i’m consistently late for work – my apartment is only half-painted and an entire disaster. i’m alone. in the worst sense. i don’t have my parents, my sister’s got a successful, functioning life of her own, my partner/best friend might not be that shortly…
i have been trying to be such a good person. trying to be there for my love, who is going through such an incredibly ridiculously hard time, and just fucking up. fucking it up. the EXACT way i was trying to is the exact way i’m failing.
i feel very small asking for good wishes, especially good wishes that will heal my relationship. i know there are so many others out there with bigger issues, and i feel selfish and small.
but…please. i don’t want to say goodbye, and i need help.
32 comments
Comments feed for this article
February 27 2007 at 3:02 pm
DebR
You’ve got loads and loads of good wishes coming your way from Kentucky, sweetie. Wishing I could give you a big hug right now, so would you please wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze and pretend it’s me? Thanks. Love you, Bee.
February 27 2007 at 3:04 pm
becoming amethyst
Don’t feel small asking for wishes, Bee ~ it takes a big heart to ask for help. Sending you some love to help you through the tough stuff
x x x x x
February 27 2007 at 3:12 pm
sophie
oh Bee…
i shall pray and pray for you and send
little wings of love for you.
hugs.
February 27 2007 at 3:12 pm
maryelizabeth
argh, i’m so sorry. sometimes it feels like life just keeps dumping more and more rotteness on us. sending you lots of LOVE.
February 27 2007 at 3:26 pm
tanaya
Dear One,
Be gentle with yourself.
love, the universe
February 27 2007 at 5:39 pm
leah
i think you’re so brave for asking for help. and i’m glad to send all the warm wishes, love and good vibes i’ve got to spare your way. take especially good care of yourself right now. cut yourself some slack, you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got goin on in this moment. (((hugs)))
it sounds like you could use some kind of support system in your life right now, something in person (the blogging community is great too!) are there any groups in your area that you could seek out? you *are* a good person, you don’t need to try. but it sounds like you could use some support! ((more hugs to you!))
February 27 2007 at 5:58 pm
Jessie
i’m sending you love and wishes and even some prayers (of the jessie variety). but what i’m also thinking is that, instead of just telling you that you should take a break and spend the day up on the mountain, i wish i could hop on a plane, take you by the hand, and go WITH you to the mountain. because, really, i think it would be nice to just lay under a blue sky and let a moment of calm perform its healing magic.
ps.
there’s going to be a photo of me talking to you on the phone. see how you make me laugh? 🙂 thank you for that, bee. i love you. you are a wonderful friend!! i’m here for ya, sister.
February 27 2007 at 6:28 pm
daisies
oh hon, i am sending you tons of good wishes ~ i posted the photos of you on flickr last night and was wishing i was still there with you …
i’m going to try calling you tonight … sending you love and positive energy …
i love you
xox
February 27 2007 at 6:29 pm
Debora
Bee y send you my best wishes, you don´t know me but i´m a reader of your blog, and you always make me smile with comfort and joy. a few years ago my life was a mess, a real mess and i was feeling i was about to loose who i consider de “love of my life”. someone told me then that life was being so hard on me because great things where ment to hapen and i needed to be prepare and strong and able o go thrue any kind of challenge. It made no sense then but now i know it is true. He was gone for a while but now we are starting a family of three (him, his sister and I), and i´m starting my own bussiness (a Kundalini Yoga school) which is a biiiiiig responsability. You`re obviously a wonderful somebody, all across the world you make me smile, you must definetely be destined for greatness. My “teacher”, “my guru” taught me this pray “God, give me the stregnth to carry on and the patience to wait and undestand”
SAT NAM
February 27 2007 at 6:53 pm
Susannah
fuck, life is so hard at the moment isn’t it – baby, you are NOT alone. i am living a virtually parallel existance over here.. the way you felt yesterday? that was my day today :-(… i’m sending you a **massive** hug and kiss, and tons of love that it will all work out in exactly the right way for you, my love xxxooo
February 27 2007 at 7:06 pm
spiky zora jones
Oh honey bee, I wish for the best life has to offer you. I pray your strength shines though like that star that crosses the dark sky to light your way. Look into your heart for that better place…this I’ll pray for you each and every day. Sometimes when things seem impossible, look to the miracles around you to make you a little bit stronger. One day you’ll stand outside, watching miracle of the moon rise…higher. You’ll smile and you’ll laugh out loud, it’ll be a better day. it’ll be a better place. Kisses and hugs for you…sweet bee.
February 27 2007 at 7:54 pm
Jana
It’s not selfish AT ALL to ask for help. We all need to do that.
*hugs*
You will DEFINATELY be in my prayers.
February 27 2007 at 9:56 pm
kristen
I’m sending you love and healing energy up north Bee. Be gentle on yourself and know that you are blessed and loved.
February 27 2007 at 10:04 pm
amy d
Bee,
you don’t me but i just wanted to send my best wishes. i came to your blog via a comment you left on a post somewhere else awhile back. i’ve often noticed how supportive and kind the messages you leave are. i’m sure you have so many people who care for you and will be there during a difficult time.
take care,
amy
February 27 2007 at 10:14 pm
Shaz
I will always pray for you big or small, if it hurts you it is important, very important. Hugs and kisses accompany these prayers honey. xxx
February 27 2007 at 11:35 pm
Amber
Beebeebee love.
You are NOT alone.
You are so far from alone…
You must open yourself up to feel the energy of love that surrounds you and holds you.
Your spirit is sacred.
Sacred.
People love you, because you ARE lovable.
You ARE capable of taking care of yourself! Maybe you need to take smaller bites of life, so you can stop setting yourself up to fail. (I know all about this, baby).
Listen to me. This is simple and golden advice. Simplify. Step back to what you can deal with in this moment, and don’t allow yourself to feel less than because you say no sometimes…Saying no is powerful. Taking on too much is as distructive as drinking when you know you have an issue with it! (This makes me want to kick your cute little ass. Don’t make me come beat the love into you.)
You are enough.
You are well.
This moment is only this moment.
I hold you in my arms and will you to believe it…
🙂
February 28 2007 at 4:51 am
katietoyboy
bestest wishes from ireland
February 28 2007 at 9:20 am
Claire
Honey, I’m so sorry that things are hard for you right now…and I am sending love and good thoughts and prayers across the big old salty ocean to you….
Take care of you, and be safe, dear one.
Cxx
February 28 2007 at 11:50 am
Denise
Sounds like your having a nightmare, these things tend to come in waves so lets hope once they crash it will all recede back and leave something good and solid to work on. Hugs and much understanding from me x
February 28 2007 at 12:38 pm
Sacred Suzie
There is so much negative energy out there right now, we are all very sensitive and particularly vulnerable to our weaknesses right now. Try to get off this path of self destruction by caring for yourself.
February 28 2007 at 1:57 pm
GeL (Emerald Eyes)
Oh, Sweetie,
Wish we could all be there in person to hug you. I realize this is obvious and I think I broke a rule if you’re in “Finding Water” by offering advice, but I’m worried to death about you. Stereotypical or not, alcoholism is rarely treated alone. I send you a much hugs, love, and support. Powerful energy because I believe in you and will stand by you in this journey.
Please take yourself and/or go with a friend or family member or anyone safe if you can’t go alone to: Alcoholics Anonymous . It takes a helluva lot of work, but it works even for “atypical alcoholism.”
W/love from the USA
(((Bee))
February 28 2007 at 2:05 pm
Hel
I’m sending lots of love and healing thoughts to both the women you are. The one that is hurting and deserves all the love in the worlds and the woman who is strong and proud and can see the beauty in the everyday small moments.
February 28 2007 at 5:11 pm
bee
thank you, so much, everybody for your support. it truly lifted me up and has cleaned me off a bit – but i have cried more in the past few days then i thought was humanly possible…
a special message to gel: thank you for your warnings about alcoholism – right now i haven’t had a drink in over two months. i’m aware that it’s hard to go cold turkey, but it seems to be working.
hopefully, my internet will be up soon. if not tomorrow! woo HOOOOO.
thanks again. love to you all…(and visits coming, i promise.)
February 28 2007 at 5:13 pm
bee
i forgot to mention in the post that one of the reasons why we’re on the break right now is due to that blackout (the last time i drank)…he doesn’t feel he can trust me the same. forgive me, i was a bit water-logged at the time i composed it.
February 28 2007 at 5:14 pm
bee
or are we on a break? i don’t honestly know….but that’s ANOTHER story. we haven’t actually SPOKEN since a week ago thursday – only one messenger conversation and a few emails.
February 28 2007 at 7:05 pm
loverlywings
Honey bunches, I love you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know that right now this feels awful and impossible and insurmountable, but it will be OK. You are such a strong, beautiful woman, and you will survive, no matter what field decides. You are capable and whole and don’t ever forget that. Yes, I will send you love and good wishes for your relationship, but honestly, my hope is that you will turn energy towards healing yourself first. Loves you. Call me if you need anything, day or night.
March 1 2007 at 1:04 am
krista
Everything you wish for yourself I wish for you too.
March 1 2007 at 8:15 am
Eileen Miller
The world IS painfully small when we isolate and don’t reach out. You, dear one, ARE reaching out. Please feel free to contact me, as I am a recovering alcoholic and believe me, I totally get where you’re coming from. Quite a while ago, I was able to unzip the skin I was in and emerge a new me. And today, life is wonderous and filled with promise. Peace … it IS at hand, Ei.
March 1 2007 at 11:58 am
ceanandjen
Oh honey, never feel shelfish or small asking for help and prayers and well wishes. In your world, this is HUGE. There is no need for comparison to what everyone else is going through. The bottom line is that we all have shit to deal with, and we help each other through it. There is no judgement.
With everything that you have been through; all the of the emotional rollercoater rides and your health, and your busy school schedule….this is just too much. I know that this represents something stable and loving in your world, and from what you write, you love F very much. I have no words of wisdom on this one, because, really, none of us can climb in his head and heart and know exactly what is going on in there. I do know that I am virtually holding your hand and sending you love and comfort. I send you support and strength. I can not tell you how to feel about all of this, I would not even attempt to. I will only say to *try* to be gentle with yourself and take things one item at a time. Literally. Your painting will get done when it gets done. Your cleaning will get done when it gets done. Everything else will follow suit. Focus on a just a few items and then tackle them one at a time. Don’t try to overwhelm yourself. Nurture yourself, as best you can.
Here is the part when I wish we could all gather around you and give you a group hug. One that is infused with energy and love and everything good. I am sending it from afar beautiful you.
Love to you,
J
xoxoxoxo
March 1 2007 at 6:40 pm
gkgirl
this is my first time here
and i found my way here
through daisies…
be easy on yourself
and never feel bad for asking
for support.
March 1 2007 at 6:49 pm
loverlywings
I just saw your gorgeous photos on Darlene’s site, and wanted to say that I can’t wait to hug you and meet you in person. You’re so stinking cute! MWAH!
I hope today is a better day, love.
September 20 2008 at 6:42 pm
YAY « recklessly relentlessly dreaming
[…] a best friend who could tell what i was thinking before i said it. he helped me through one of the WORST times in my life. he is a gentle soul, an extremely poetic one, and the way he looks at life gives […]