do you know how embarrassing it is for me to cry in public?

right now i’m sitting in an internet cafe because my internet service is down (if you don’t see me on your blogs for a while that’s why – there’s been ANOTHER mix-up with my provider and it might be a while before i can surf luxuriously again – but i’m thinking of all of you and sending me love.)

i need to ask for help. please, please, please, please please pray for me and send me good thoughts. i’m going to try and explain why without giving away too much information.

i have a fucked-up relationship with alcohol. i’m an alcoholic – but not the stereotypical kind, whatever that is – the kind where i can drink for weeks and months and be fine, but then something will click and i’ll go stark raving psychotic for a night. that night will and usually does cost me friends, my reputation, whatever.|
years ago, psychiatrists tried to tell me i had a substance abuse problem, but at the time i wasn’t really into the idea of giving one of my favourite defense mechanisms up, and i laughed it off.

a couple months ago, a night like that happened, with field. and he’d never seen me get like that. and he got really hurt, and walls went up around his heart where i was concerned.
ironically, that night was all about how i was worried about him.

he got back from barbados this weekend and has had a lot of time to think. we’re both living difficult lives right now and he thinks he might need a break. which breaks my heart. i think i begged him just not to say that we were over, which he didn’t reply to.

this month has probably been the all-around crappiest of my life. yes, i can appreciate it for the lessons it gave me, but living it sucked. it took me a while to figure out that i was in a depression, but once i did, holy god, did i realize i had been living in it for a while. then that pain hit – which it always does, right before i start my period, but my period was a week early so it threw me off – and the pain lasted for a week. then my body had this insane stress response the day before field left: skin peeling off, rashes, and definitely feeling like whatever sort of mind i had left i’d completely lost. then my partner went away for a week and a half and now – this.

it was funny (in the ha-ha sad way) because just yesterday i was thinking (and having a TRUE woe-is-me moment) that i can’t take care of myself. this experiment of mine has failed. the more stressed out i’ve gotten over the past week, the more my appetite has disappeared and my diet reverted to its main food group of coffee. (which, owing to the horrible sleep i’ve been getting, is the only thing keeping me alive.) apparently, i’m not on top of my bills enough to make sure they get paid – i’m consistently late for work – my apartment is only half-painted and an entire disaster. i’m alone. in the worst sense. i don’t have my parents, my sister’s got a successful, functioning life of her own, my partner/best friend might not be that shortly…

i have been trying to be such a good person. trying to be there for my love, who is going through such an incredibly ridiculously hard time, and just fucking up. fucking it up. the EXACT way i was trying to is the exact way i’m failing.

i feel very small asking for good wishes, especially good wishes that will heal my relationship. i know there are so many others out there with bigger issues, and i feel selfish and small.
but…please. i don’t want to say goodbye, and i need help.