it don’t feel right,
it don’t feel right
i can’t feel anymore
things don’t feel right overhead
lately i haven’t been seeing clear
seems to me nowadays things have changed
i don’t know if i’ve done the same

part of this blog’s mandate for me is to provide honest testimony, to myself and to others, about who i am and what i’m doing at any given moment. it’s hard for me to be honest with myself – sometimes i don’t even know what’s going on with me, which makes it hard to communicate with others.
it’s hard for me to look back and see how down i can get, how confused; it’s hard to look behind my veiled words and remember the exact situations they were inspired by.

this is why i have to crack open and share what’s going on with me, now.

i started taking the anti-depressants the day before yesterday, and the adaptation to being back on medication has not been easy. the first night my hands were vibrating; my jaw couldn’t stop clenching; my heart raced. i felt like i wanted to die.
at work yesterday i kept thinking i was going to pass out or be sick. by the time i got home, i was full of this really unhealthy energy – i should have been exhausted, i was exhausted, but i couldn’t get down. i went for this really long walk in the hopes that i would get some of my restlessness out and be able to study afterwards – no such luck.

literally, my skin felt like it’s been on fire for two days. it itches and i have constant hot and cold flashes. my fingers are numb. i don’t have an appetite. i couldn’t sleep last night; towards dawn i had the craziest nightmare.

you know those dreams that seem real? this was one of them. i’ve had weird, bad-feeling dreams in the past few years, but this was a full-fledged nightmare. in the dream, i’d just got home from work (today?) and was pouring myself a drink in the kitchen. and then i started seizing.
even when i was considered an epileptic, growing up, i’d never had a typical grand-mal seizure. i had one last night. in the dream, i could feel my brain spark – i remember that feeling. then i fell, catching my head on the table – the reason i know this is as i was falling my consciousness split and i could watch everything that was happening.
afterwards i just lay there. that was the other weird thing about the dream – i didn’t wake up abruptly. there was this space after i watched myself seize when my spirit was trying to fit back inside my body, to get myself help, and i couldn’t.

i’m stressed about a few things, which might have something to do with it.
i haven’t been able to lock myself into a chair and do work in three days – so i have a lot due in the next week and none of it started. i thought my lost cat had been turned in to the spca, but it turned out to be a case of mistaken identity. i have my first mammogram on tuesday; when the nurse booked me for the appointment two months ago, she told me two things: 1. i was the youngest person to book for a mammogram in the history of the clinic; 2. it would hurt a lot, because my breasts are so young. so, yay. i also realized that i won’t be able to go to physio as flood’s changing his schedule to days and there’s a conflict, so i’m worried about how i’ll feel physically by next week.

my skin just doesn’t fit, you know? i’m trying – i thought this was the right thing for me to do to become better-adjusted and better prepared for the winter. i thought i’d tried everything else to no avail. i’m worried now that i’m making a HUGE mistake by continuing to take the medication.

i feel like….that i need help, but nobody can help me with this. i don’t know what i need. have i mentioned how indecisive i’ve been lately?