i have to do a lot of errands today, but it is raining like pussies and pups here so it looks like i’m taking the metro instead of biking, as i’d planned, which frees up a lot of cafe time.

this week i frightened myself a little bit; the reason i can talk about it now is that i believe the worst of it is over. monday, as i think i mentioned, i felt myself sliding into a depression, the likes of which i haven’t felt in a while. i had forgotten i could feel that sad. it dragged on for two days – days where i dealt with it, unwillingly, on my own.

in retrospect, i’m happy i did, but oh lord, at the time it sucked. all of my support systems were unavailable – and on wednesday, when my internet AND phone were cut off, i thought: what is the universe trying to do to me? kill me?

trying to do to me, indeed. or, trying to do for me.

here’s where i’m going to admit things that might be uncomfortable to read. they’re definitely uncomfortable for me to write, but i need to own these parts of myself and my recovery.

i used to cut. i came very very close, closer than i have in years, on wednesday night. i took myself out of the house, far away from knives and razors and anything with edges, and i walked. i walked for miles. i walked until i didn’t know where i was anymore, and i was exhausted and had to find my way back home. when i got back i walked straight past the kitchen, without looking, and fell into bed.

i woke up the next morning and realized i should go back on my antidepressants.

i was on a variety of seratonin cocktails for a number of years, but never felt comfortable with it. i would take myself off them without warning, or change my dosages, or switch pills without preparing my body. a few years ago, i stopped taking them (for what i thought was) for good, but i want to be safe.
any mood that i get into where i consider cutting myself is not safe for me, and as i move into what might be a stressful time (getting a new job, starting school, continuing with therapy) i feel like giving myself a fighting chance.

once i made that decision the metaphorical skies cleared, a bit. i haven’t seen a doctor yet, that will happen on tuesday, but just knowing that i am becoming even more proactive is making me feel better.
because, let’s face it, all the yoga and running and reiki and eating well didn’t really help me this round.

so, what have i been doing to occupy my time since the “blackout of ’06”? reading a fuckload. i finished ethan frome, the great gatsby, and letters to a young poet in the past three days. and letters, well, i knew why i had to read that book the second i picked it up. the parts where rilke counsels kappus on solitude – about it being the most exacting, difficult thing for a human being to experience but also the most rewarding, the most conducive to growth – obviously struck home for me.

i’ve also been spending a lot of time with the hobbit, as he gets ready to move back to hometown. i’m sad about that, but we have been getting along famously so i’m glad that we’ve shared this time.

i’m also painting one of my bedroom walls tonight, and getting a tattoo tomorrow. i’m hoping to take digital photos so there will be a bit of a photo essay, me thinks.

but i can’t wait until wednesday….

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