the trick is not how much pain you feel, but how much joy you feel.
~erica jong

my heart feels adrift on the ocean of my body, a tiny rowboat fast taking on water.

i’ve cried so much in the past 4 hours i was worried, at one point, that i wouldn’t stop. this sadness is more than just the loneliness i thought it was; it feels like if you broke my bones, tears would seep out instead of marrow.

where is this coming from?

the sky i walked under tonight was royal blue, but back-lit so i could count every cloud. i passed one woman walking her dog; other than that, the streets were empty. each step i took was the same question.

what do i do?

at first i figured i was sad because i haven’t seen any of my real-life friends in a while. i haven’t heard from my family in a while, either – and while most of the time i’m okay with nobody beating down my door, lately the silence has been deafening.

i have a good idea of the direction my feelings are taking me; it’s an inevitable course, leading in a variety of maudlin directions up to the anniversary of my mom’s death. wandering tonight, i kept smelling the hospital, and seeing my younger self sitting there holding her hand, as though just my weight would keep her anchored to earth.

i know i wrote a while back that i have to trust that the universe can hold me when i need to be held, but now, i need to be held by someone.

i need to remember the joy in my life; there is so much to be grateful for. i’m poisoning it by holding on to hurt.

when you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. when you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
~kahlil gibran