i think it was maybe a month ago, when i was going through another one of my “panic weeks”, (i just thought of that phrase for it), when my anxiety was high, all the time, i did what i normally do when i can’t take it anymore: i put myself to bed early.
sometimes i have problems sleeping, but more often than not, i have an ability to go to sleep at the drop of a hat. i cocoon myself in my blankets, rub my bare feet together, and if sleep is taking more than five minutes to arrive, put my head under the covers - and all of a sudden, i’m blinking and it’s eight hours later.

that night i was jumping…my body felt like a live wire. i could feel my heart racing in my chest. i felt like i was falling through the air - through the mattress. all of a sudden, i thought to try something different.

i imagined the universe catching me. holding me, even though i couldn’t feel it. i imagined the softness of my mattress actually being this huge palm. i tried to feel the love pumping up from the earth through my floor, suffusing me.

i only say this because it has helped, tremendously, in the past little while, at recalibrating me when my tendency to lose it kicks in. the universe, bigger than me (and aren’t i just a miniscule part of the whole?) loving me just for who i am….having a reason in creating me just the way i am…knowing. not judging.

i’m trying to remember this today.
i resolved the sadness brought up by the therapy by telling myself that i was worried about something that had not happened, that it was pointless to worry about the future - and maybe, if what i feared happening actually happens the way i fear it, that i’ll be ready for that when it does.

i saw a place yesterday in a neighbourhood i’ve always wanted to live in…for $100 cheaper than the place i’m living in now. two bedrooms, separate entrance, hook-ups for laundry, balcony, backyard, hardwood floors, light….i put in an application, obviously, but i want that place so badly it’s making me sick. i’m worried about my bad credit, because there’s obviously a credit check…
i’m hopinghopinghopinghopinghoping i somehow pass it. and get accepted. and i’m also trying to stay philosophical about it.

the universe knows…i know this, and yet, the constant reminding…