i told field early this afternoon that i was nervous about my therapy appointment. he asked me why, and i said that whenever i talk for an hour solid about what i’m feeling, things get stirred up. he said that it’s a good thing that they get stirred up, that if things come to the surface that they’re meant to.

i agree, but what that means is that after a little bit of a brutal foray into things i knew but was avoiding dealing with, i feel like my heart is becoming unmoored…ripping out from its harbour in my chest.
i’ve gone into lockdown mode - ordered sushi, am taking a break from watching juno in order to write this(next up, lars and the real girl) and am unplugging my phone, crawling under the afghan my grandma knit for me fifteen years ago, (it’s pink), and cuddling with daisy. we might take a walk later, she and i, while i listen to my iPod.

this mood…this feeling down, is a one-off. i don’t want to scare anyone with this update, like all is woe-is-me over here. i’m not sure why it’s been so long since i’ve been able to publish anything (because i’ve tried to write here. it’s just not been working - you should see my drafts page.)
i’ve been trying to write other things - what i consider “real things” - and that hasn’t been working so well. i’ve been looking at a few apartments, trying to figure out if i should move. i’ve been working more hours at my job. i’ve been walking daisy a lot more now that the weather’s finally flipped its switch to spring, and i’ve started therapy. (today was my second session.)

i feel like i really want to talk about what i talked about with my counsellor, but i also feel that i can’t prod that bruise at the moment. it will surface here, at some point, but just not now.

i’ll be back.