i am okay. i am being reborn.

a few weeks ago i had a brutal, brutal fight with someone who’s very close to me, and it shook up and brought to light my most core issue - which can be boiled down to abandonment. i think my heart took a few isolated instances in my life and translated them into, not lessons, but if change occurs at all, it means the cataclysmic end of a relationship, and that’s really not how it is, at all.

having that experience, and then the subsequent discussions and rapprochement, meant that i tumbled deeply into myself for a while - inside to look a few things that i’d been avoiding. i asked myself a lot of questions, and came up with some unsettling answers, that honestly, i’m still sitting with.

winds of change are blowing, and i think they’re blowing me in another direction, at least geographically. i have to finish a mammoth paper (which is the first thing on my mind every morning) and then i’m going to apply to grad school, whose deadlines are in a little more than a week.

i honestly don’t know if i can pull it off - but i think i can. it’s a lot of writing, once i finish a lot of writing, but i’ve been doing a LOT of grounding exercises in the past few weeks, (deep breathing, ginger tea, going for walks, reiki) and the result of that is, i don’t feel overwhelmed. still, honestly, anxious as hell and a little bit uncomfortable with that, but also hopeful. 

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