it’s 12:11 am and my head kind of hurts (maybe it’s those few cigarettes that i smoked in my friend’s bedroom as i was helping her write her paper on the invisibility of lesbian and gay elders in the health care system), but i feel the need to touch this space. move in it.

it’s honestly too soon to be sure, but i think the depression is slowly lifting again. i did a little backslide after the kiss last wednesday - i’m not sure if it’s because i realized, again, how many unresolved feelings i have about him (and i know, there’s nothing i can do, but letting go is not my strong suit sometimes), or how much i hurt for him and what he’s going through, or being aware that he is just not calling me and this is still not the right time - but i continued on my sopranos rampage and ate cheeseburgers and basically felt like i was at the bottom of a very deep well.
and then it changed, partially due to field’s unique brand of tough (sometimes searing) love, (”are you kidding? if you want to go to grad school, you keep taking classes until you raise your g.p.a. you make them accept you. you don’t give up! i think you LIKE being depressed. your life isn’t ruined!”) and just…putting it into perspective.

you might laugh, or you might not, but lately i’ve been telling field that i want to be a ninja. i think it stems from when i was 13 and watched that scene in the silence of the lambs where clarice is doing her physical training for the fbi program. it probably also has something to do with the fact that i’m not perfectly agile or balanced, as well as being this avowed pacifist, but i’ve had this distracted fascination for that kind of spiritual/physical kickassery. that lithe, flexible deadliness.
and then, lo and behold, when i was in chapters the other day, i found a book called “the spiritual practices of the ninja” which SOUNDS gimmicky (i’m as skeptical as the next person) but actually makes some kind of sense to me. as far as i’ve gotten into it, it’s fairly factual, with a history of ninjas (they were apparently political and social subversives who were forced into the mountainous regions of japan by the emperor and also forced to eke out survival there) as well as getting into their philosophy….all about facing fear and getting accustomed to life as it is, taking what is useful out of the present moment and discarding the rest.
what i’m saying is, i think i was in the market for a new “spiritual manual”…lord, it’s late, i don’t know what i’m saying.
i’m training to be a ninja.

musical intermission….if you need to get up and dance, now’s your chance.

things on the docket: turns out i’m going to be writing that 17-page behemoth paper to get the d- taken off my g.p.a so i can graduate. that’s going to happen in the next 3 weeks.
i also have to finish an editing job by the 7th. i have 400 pages more to read.
i have to write a biography for an artist and start organizing his vernissage. (i actually know his benefactor through the store where i work. the benefactor is this lovely older british man who is an incredible character. he won $2 million in the lottery 2 years ago, invested it wisely, and now is a man of leisure. he bought the building where the art show is going to be, has known the artist for years, and when the artist started painting - 9 months ago - chris liked his work so much he offered him the space. chris, for whatever reason, loves me, and offered me the job. at $30/an hour.)
maybe, if i have enough mental power left, starting another editing job, another 700 page book about german myth and fairy tales.

lots and lots to do…..

have been listening to phrenology by the roots pretty much non-stop. it’s kickass motivating music.
r.i.p. jeff healey….canadian music legend. huge nostalgia value to me…spent a lot of car trips when i was small listening to this tape. (one of my mama’s favourites).

inspirations (well, not all, but just a few) from blogland:
first of all, i must thank megan from fleeting moments for sending me this gift of a banner after i asked for one in my last post. um….amazing.
read this post by jessie.
and either this or this (or both) from megg.